2 Stages Of Military Separations
There are two stages to every separation. Whether it is a TDY, deployment, or hardship tour, we often go through both phases. Those of us more seasoned than others will likely be able to cut the first stage short, but that isn't always the case. And frankly, our success with one separation does not mean the same will be true for the next, even if we think it should be easier.
Every time we have to be apart is brand new. It's the first time going through a three-month deployment as a newlywed. Then it's the first TDY while pregnant. Then it's the first deployment with an infant. Then it's the first hardship tour with two kids back at home. Then it's the first mission where we really aren't confident they will come back home. Each time will be new in some way, shape, or form. And we have to allow ourselves the grace to be newbies when it starts. It doesn't matter how "seasoned" any of us may be because we will always face a new set of circumstances and parameters with each separation.
1. Surviving
The first stage of every separation is surviving. The only goal is to make sure that you, and any animals or children you have, make it through the day. We try to keep the house from burning down. We try to keep everyone out of the emergency room. We try to take a shower and brush our teeth. But at the end of the day, our only goal is to make it to the next day. It's definitely not going to be pretty.
It is usually during this time that Murphy's law comes in hot and heavy. As military spouses, we are probably very familiar with the idea "anything that can go wrong will." Especially during a separation, and these things almost always come in threes. The kids come home from school with the stomach bug, the dryer breaks, and the washing machine manages to flood the basement all at the same time. If Murphy avoids your house, count yourself lucky, but if he doesn't, we have to remember the goal is survival.
Keeping everyone alive means lots of fluids for the kids and asking for help when we need it. It means doing laundry at the neighbor's house or digging into that box of clothes that never made it to Goodwill for donation. It means calling a handyman and a plumber or resigning yourself to hours on YouTube to figure out how to fix it yourself. At this stage, our only goal is to make it through. Like they sing in Les Miserables, "At the end of the day, there's another day dawning, and the sun in the morning is waiting to rise." All that matters at this stage is that we make it to the end of the day. That makes it one day less of this separation. We are one day closer to being reunited. We are one day stronger. And we have survived.
2. Thriving
If we're lucky, though, we get to move past surviving and enter the thriving stage. This is when we get to take our lives back. We decide that just because our spouses are gone, that doesn't mean the world stops spinning. There are still things to do, places to see, and people to love. We have the chance to live a full life while our spouses are gone, and even though things would be immensely better and more manageable with them around, we don't have to put our life on pause in service of the military's needs.
Thriving looks like chasing our dreams. It looks like saying yes to things that we usually only do if our spouses are home. It looks like traveling. It looks like going to shows. It looks like going to bed at night lonely but full. Thriving doesn't mean that we miss our spouses any less. It only means that we have found a way to move forward.
When our spouses leave, they put a hole in our lives. Their absence affects so many aspects of our daily life from a scheduling and emotional perspective. We have to single-handedly take on the responsibility of the household. We have to make sure that dinner is cooked, the kitchen is cleaned, and the trash makes it to the curb on the right day. We have to get the kids from school, the dogs to the groomers, and still make it to the key spouse's meeting on base. But we also have to go to bed alone, turn to texts, emails, or phone calls for comfort, and double-check the locks on the doors all by ourselves.
The separations aren't fun. They aren't designed to be. We all got married because we loved someone, which usually meant we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with them. Spending months and years apart across the span of our relationship and military service wasn't part of the plan, even if "we knew what we were signing up for" (seriously, an awful thing to say to someone struggling). But that doesn't mean that we have to put our lives on hold waiting for our spouses to return. And they shouldn't either. If they have the opportunity to travel and explore whatever foreign place they find themselves in, then they should take advantage of that. But don't worry, that lesson took me a lot longer to learn, too (being a supportive spouse doesn't mean that we are perfect. It just means that we keep learning and trying to be better even if we only grow .5% at a time).
Don't look at this as one stage is bad and one is good. It's more of a life cycle that we go through. Sometimes the survival stage will last a few days, and sometimes it will last a few months. Other times we will spend a lot of time thriving and then slip back into surviving. The goal of separations is to make it through in the best way possible. If that means we can still make progress on our dreams, then that is great. And if it means that our dreams have to take the back burner for a bit, that's good too, just don't forget about them entirely.
Different separations require different coping skills. We will lean on our spouses and community more in some than others. We travel for some and are homebodies for others. Sometimes we cook elaborate dinners, and other times we order takeout every night of the week. Thriving looks different every time. It'll even look different on various days and weeks in our separations. The important thing is to prioritize ourselves and set ourselves up for success so that we can continue living our best lives (whatever that may look like) even when our spouses don't get to physically be part of it.
