3 Strategies to Overcome Fear
I hope you've taken the time to identify the fear or fears that you're struggling with. If not, I highly recommend reading my previous post on identifying fear because the first step to fixing any problem is knowing what it is. It's tough to help someone get where they want to go if we don't know where they're at first. I want to talk about a few tools to use when fear is holding us back from chasing our dreams. These are some methods that have worked for me, but fear will always be part of our lives.
We can only be brave when we have fear, and chasing our dreams is one of the most courageous things we can do. Pursuing our most authentic and fullest selves is incredibly brave, no matter what the world says. When it comes to fear, we can try to go around it, and we can try to avoid it, but usually, the best method is to power through it. Here are some things that help me power through, but the reality is whatever works for you, works for you, and that will always be the best strategy for overcoming fear in your life.
1. Give fear a face and a name
Maybe the fear comes from a specific person who said we could never succeed. Maybe it comes from a series of people who repeatedly made hurtful comments. Maybe the fear is almost too abstract to even identify a person who could have instilled it within us. It doesn't matter. Try giving your fear a name or a face. Make it someone you can talk to or, sometimes more importantly, not talk to. Comedian Jen Kirkman talks about how she named her anxious and intrusive thoughts. Whenever her brain started to say unhealthy things to her, she could look over and yell "shut up" at this personification of her fear.
Maybe your fear is a small child that you need to talk gently to so they can calm down. Maybe your fear is an entitled college frat boy that you can yell at. Maybe your fear is a scholar who will only be won over with a list of facts about why chasing this dream is right for you. Whatever your style is, make that the face of your fear.
I'm not a screamer, and as much as I want to be, I am not much of a facts person either. My fear works better as a small child that I need to comfort and remind that the world may not be as scary as it seems. This strategy works best when our fear is not an actual person. If we are afraid of moving forward because of someone in our lives, then I highly recommend the second point on this list.
2. Therapy
I am so grateful that therapy has become more normalized. I have been going off and on since I was nine years old. Now I know that before and shortly after significant changes in my life, I need someone calm, level-headed, and professional to talk confidentially to about my struggles.
Most recently, I sought a counselor when we moved to Oklahoma right after getting married and prior to my husband's first deployment. I am a huge proponent of finding someone good to talk to. I have a fantastic community of people that I can turn to in times of stress. Still, there are times when they don't know what to say, are struggling with the same things I am, or I want to vent to someone in a confidential setting (even though I usually call those people right after to tell them everything). There are also times when the advice from a counselor seems more neutral because it doesn't have the biases and opinions of those we care about. We can consider that advice along with all the other advice we receive to make a more well-rounded decision. We need a community around us to turn to when we are struggling, but that level of vulnerability can be difficult to reach right off the bat. I know this is what our cartel is for, but nothing says a licensed counselor can't join the mix (even if you pay them to be there).
It can take time to find the right fit for you, and I highly recommend searching through www.psychologytoday.com, militaryOnesource, or through your base's FRG program because they should be able to point you in the right direction. Don't be discouraged if the first person you talk to isn't a fit, and don't feel pressured to stay with someone you aren't connecting with.
Therapy can be a great tool, and it has been incredible to add to my repertoire of places I can go when I'm struggling. I hope you can find that safe space to talk into as well.
3. Affirmations, chants, and reminders
Maybe for some of us, the best thing is positive quotes about conquering our fear written on the bathroom mirror. Sticky notes hung around the house to remind you what you're fighting for. Expo markers on the mirror and fridge with statements about how capable you are. Maybe you plaster positive quotes on every inch of the wall in your son's room. If you are going to do this: 1. I would love to see pictures, and 2. I highly recommend expo markers because two coats of paint will cover it up when it comes time to move, while Sharpie may require you to put up new sheetrock, as we found out at my parent's house.
I did this in my son's room because I want those positive affirmations to be the first words he learns. I want these things to be drilled into his mind before he learns how to read. Every time we leave his room, I pick one quote to read to him. But even more than that, I am reading it to myself. I am reminding myself about who I am and what I am capable of, especially on the days when being a mom isn't so easy. Do what works for you and find the quotes and phrases that move, inspire, and remind you.
For some of us, it may be chants that regulate us in difficult situations. In her book, Slay Like a Mother, Katherine Wintsch constantly says to herself, "I am more than this moment." She is reminded in both good and bad moments that her worth comes from places other than her achievements and failings. This keeps her steady so that the highs don't get too high and the lows never get too low.
Before I post anything, I am constantly reminding my fear that "no one is going to see it." Now the reality is that on social media and my website, that's not true, but it gives me enough courage to hit post. It is terrifying to put myself out there, and reminding myself that it won't be the most important thing on the internet helps. And the other piece to that is, if I only ever chase this dream for me, and I'm the only one who ever sees it, then it'll still have made a difference because it'll change me. Then when people do see it, it's simply a happy accident. This mindset could also be interpreted in a bolder fashion as "F— it," whatever is going to happen is going to happen, so I might as well do the things that I want to pursue.
I know a lot of us suffer from universal fears, and we all probably share a lot of the same coping mechanisms for overcoming that fear and conquering the bad days that come along our journey. Everyone has their own secret sauce, though. It's a little of this and a lot of that with a spritz of something more that helps us to conquer the fear within. Our job is to figure out that recipe and then whip up a batch anytime we need a little strength. In some ways, we probably already know most of the ingredients. We overcame a lot of fears while growing up, whether it was riding a bike without training wheels, learning to drive, or giving a presentation in front of the class. Keep searching for the tricks that work for you, and share your favorites here so that we can all find more ideas that'll make us just a little bit stronger for the fight ahead.