He’s Just A Boy
Part two of what I learned at the James Acaster: Hecklers Welcome comedy show is that we must protect the child. James shared that growing up, anytime he was in some sort of audience, where some sort of performer was doing something, his immediate life goal became to do whatever the performer was doing. At some point during his kindergarten year (or whatever they call it in the U.K.), his grandmother came in to teach the class about weaving.
There were approximately 25 students gathered in a circle, and one grandmother was teaching about weaving. So, immediately, his life goal was to weave in front of his class. When his grandmother asked for volunteers to try it out, his hand shot up like all the other students. As adults, we obviously look at the situation and recognize that it would be insane if the first person his grandmother called on were himself.
But after calling on three other students, James' world began to crumble. As far as his five-year-old mind could see, this woman who had always loved and adored him was suddenly ignoring his existence. Like most five-year-olds, this led to an extreme sobbing session. Not knowing what to do, the grandmother called James up and let him have a turn. He was far too upset at this point to be consoled, so he just cried while his grandmother guided his hands.
During the lockdown, he recanted this story to his therapist. After hearing the story his therapist explained that everytime James was on stage, so was that five-year-old version of himself. Part of the reason that the hecklers bothered him so much was because, in a way, he was failing to protect that little boy.
We all have those little kids in ourselves. We can't leave them behind. So many of our decisions and impulses come from that child. If that child was really hurt in childhood, that informs our choices. And the same goes if that child had a rather ordinary or even remarkable childhood. And regardless of what kind of childhood we had, that child had dreams,
Some of us remember those dreams, and some have forgotten. Some of those dreams were pretty silly, but most of them weren't. Most of them point to something greater that we wanted as a child, which can certainly be reinterpreted to match our current lives.
For me, the childhood dreams that I remember most vividly were to be a princess and write a book. Let's talk about the "sillier" dream first. I used to pretend that automatic doors were actually my guards opening them for me. And maybe I won't get to be a princess. My father wasn't a king, and I didn't marry a prince. I'm also pretty sure that I don't have a long-lost grandmother who will show up and claim me as the princess of Genovia for all my Princess Diary fans. As far as my knowledge goes, those are the most common ways to become (or find out that you are) a princess.
But if I actually look at what I wanted, it wasn't the status associated with princesshood. I didn't want to be in parades waving at the public. I certainly didn't want paparazzi chasing me around. It wasn't a title that I was looking for. I wanted to live in a big fancy house, which is still my dream today. I wanted to attend big fancy dances, which is still something I love, and I dream of making it to an Air Force Ball for starters (first, we have to have one; second, we have to be in town for it; third, I have to convince my husband who hates getting dressed up). I wanted to have money to support causes I believed in, which is still a dream I can achieve.
I won't (probably) ever have the title of Princess Sarah, but that wasn't really my dream, was it? That was just the best word I had at the time for what I wanted to achieve. So, let's move on to my second childhood dream: writing a book. It was going to be the next best-selling fiction book. It told the story of two kids who got lost in a magical world with the girl's younger sibling. The girl suffered from a mysterious illness that caused her to sleep for days, even weeks at a time, based on one episode of a show that I saw that might have been called Mysterious Illnesses. I've never found the episode or show again despite many search attempts. I actually just saw an Instagram reel about a guy with the same disease that I cannot find anymore, so I will probably never know the answer to that question. Anyways, they get stuck in this magical land. The girl falls asleep. And the boy cares for the younger sibling, who has some sort of disability as well. I spent a lot of time volunteering in the special ed classrooms during recess growing up. Long story short, because I never worked out how to get there, they fall in love, and there's a happy ending. I planned this story out several times. I wrote out all the character traits, and I could probably find all that stuff again if I went looking through old notebooks.
But my dream wasn't that book specifically. My dream was to write something worth reading. I wanted to add to the world that I fell in love with because I devoured books as a child. As I've grown up and found other passions, I've more fully realized what I want this book dream to be. But it always starts with nine-year-old Sarah on the floor with a notebook, writing out the height and hair color of her main characters.
I don't know what your childhood dreams were. I imagine you've achieved a few of them. But I bet there are a few we've also forgotten about. Or we have dreams that we dismissed as silly childhood fantasies that, if we look closer at, we will realize that maybe those dreams still ring true to us today.
Dream chasing is scary, and we will always be brave for doing it. Maybe part of the reason it's so scary, though, is that we aren't just doing it ourselves. We are also bringing along our inner child. We must constantly balance protecting them with striving for the more they've always wanted. I want every younger iteration of me to be proud of the woman I am today. In a lot of ways, I think they are. In a lot of ways, I have room for improvement. More than anything, I think we need to remember who is in the fight with us.
We are fighting for so much more than what we want. We are fighting to become who we hoped, planned, and dreamed to be when we were little. Maybe that makes the fight harder, but for me, it makes it easier because I remember where I got started. I know why I'm in this race, and it's something that has always been a part of me. I think, if you look hard enough, you'll find that these dreams have always been part of you, too.