Turning Out Part iii
The second AJR song that speaks about the sacrifices of a military spouse comes from their most recent album, The Maybe Man. They have the third installment of the song Turning Out on this album. Listen to it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVAXNmZQdQc This series has talked about how views of love grow and change through each stage of life.
In the original song, it talks about figuring out what love means. We try to differentiate the love of a friend from that of a partner. Part two is about outgrowing young love. Sometimes, we mess up when figuring out what love means and often look back and realize the things that we did love may not have been real love. They certainly weren't the things that make love last. The third part is about settling down and making a commitment while wrestling with the fear of what all that means. We struggle with questions like am I ready? Is this what I want? And is it worth it?
In the band's case, they are three brothers from a divorced home, which has shaped their views on love. In so many ways, they worry that any love they feel or find is temporary because of the mistakes of their past and the love their parents lost for each other. In this song, they sing about the problems in the relationship and the fears of what that looks like in the long term. "Though we shrug it off as nothing, life is pretty long. It could turn into something."
Then, they reach the most impactful line for me. "Cause half the time I can't love right, and I'm half yours, and your all mine. Boy, I must be one fucked up guy." Thinking back to Christmas in June, this line refers to (at least in my mind) the fact that they are chasing a demanding dream. Their partner will always be sharing them with their dream, and that's a pretty big ask of someone. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?
We will be sharing our spouses with the military for as long as they stay in the service. For some of us, that means a few years; for others, it means decades. But whatever the timeframe they choose to serve in, we will undoubtedly be sharing. I am well aware of the fact that if I call and the military calls, I will not be the one answered. Believe me, I have had a hard time accepting that truth, and one could definitely argue that I haven't accepted it.
What I've come to terms with more so, though, is that my husband is sharing me with my dream. At this point in time, that doesn't feel like all that much. My dream takes up so much of my thoughts, but in terms of workload right now, there isn't all that much to share me with. I compare it to my one-year-old right now. He "shares" his toys with his dad and me, but all that really looks like is him handing it to us and then us handing it right back. His sharing isn't demanding real sacrifice yet. That'll change one day when he has a sister and when he starts going to school. Eventually, he will have to actually give up something he wants so that someone else can have a turn.
The same is true for my dream. One day, it will demand a lot. I am prepared to make that sacrifice; my husband has to be too. Because the reality is I'm half his. One day, I won't be able to drop everything. One day, I'll have to say no, not necessarily because I want to, but because my dream needs me more. One day, it will be hard, and there will be pain, and it will still be worth it.
I think what people struggle with, and I certainly have, is the choice in this matter. Growing up, my parents owned their own company. I was very used to them working long hours, on vacations, or during events they would have otherwise been at. It was always their choice, though. If my parents really wanted to be at "X," they could have. But then again, could they? Not working meant no money coming in, which would deplete the quality of life we were used to. The one they were trying to give us and themselves.
I understood this choice. I knew what my parents were fighting for. I knew the purpose of their work. I knew they loved me, even if they weren't there. I knew that it wasn't choosing to work over me; it was something so much deeper. It was choosing work for me because of everything they wanted to do.
I've had a hard time getting that same perspective with the military because it felt like my husband didn't have a choice. For someone who was used to that control, it was a significant shift. What I've come to realize, though, is that he does have a choice. He just made that choice a long time ago. That one decision five years ago makes many decisions for us today. But he also chooses day in and day out to chase his dream. On good days and bad, he shows up because it's what he feels called to do. And he always has a choice. He could go AWOL and get sent to a military prison, which would drastically change the life we have.
It's the same choice my parents had. It's the same choice I have. Maybe prison isn't the threat, but there's always something that goes against everything we've been fighting for, and we get to choose our dreams every time. We may only be half our spouse's, but there is a lot of beauty in being half our dream's.