Did I KNow What I Was Signing UP FOR?
I think we are all well aware of the fact that one of the worst things you can say to a military spouse who is struggling is, “Well, you knew what you signed up for.” It’s honestly just a nonsense thing to say to someone who is facing a challenge. It does not provide a solution and certainly doesn’t ease the burden. Military spouse life is the only space I have seen this phrase used consistently. Regardless of how well-meaning the person saying it is, this does not help. So, for anyone reading who may be confused as to why this phrase would bother someone they know and love so much, let’s look at this in some other context.
John started smoking when he was 21. During college, his buddies were smokers, so he quickly picked up the habit. Throughout his twenties and thirties, he went through phases of trying to quit or not trying at all. Some days, it felt like a bad habit; some days, it felt like an addiction; and some days, it didn’t really feel like anything. John went to the doctor after getting a cold that just wouldn’t go away. They found lung cancer. The doctor says, “Well, you knew what you signed up for when you started smoking twenty years ago.” That sounds insane, insensitive, and horrible in that context. Let’s try another scenario.
Kyle and Madeline just spent their life savings on their first house. They had been saving for years and finally had enough to cover the down payment on their starter home. They start rebuilding their savings and discover they will have a baby. It’s all really exciting! During the summer, a category three hurricane comes through their town and floods their basement. There is a massive amount of mold and damage. It’s going to be thousands of dollars to repair. And their flood insurance policy won’t pay anything because they haven’t had it in place for over a year (fun fact: that is how most flood insurance policies work, so go ahead and get one started early if you live in a zone with these risks). They call their parents to get a loan to help patch up the house enough for the new baby. And the only response they get is, “Well, you knew what you were signing up for by buying a house.
Alright, one last scenario. Mackenzie has had a golden doodle named Charlotte since she was 11 years old. Charlotte was a gift after her family went through a significant move. Charlotte saw Mackenzie through so much growing up. She was there through the awkward puberty years, the moody teenage years, and after a brief separation for college, was there when Mackenzie started out on her own. Fifteen years later, it is clear that Charlotte is slowing down. She isn’t happy in the same way, barely eating, and sleeps most of the day. One morning, she doesn’t wake up at all. Mackenzie calls her best friend hysterical, saying that Charlotte has crossed the rainbow bridge only to be met with, “Well, you knew what you were getting into by getting an animal with a shorter lifespan than you.”
So, let’s break down the actual problems with this phrase, especially when it relates to military spouses. First of all, it’s just a dismissive and horrible thing to say to someone who is suffering. Secondly, it doesn’t solve anything. It’s not like we respond with, “Oh, you’re right, these problems don’t bother me anymore.” And third, and most importantly, no one ever truly knows what they are signing up for (and even if we did, it doesn’t change the fact that these things are hard to deal with).
It’s never a good look to respond to someone’s problem with “it’s not that bad.” Life is hard enough in general without us having to compare whose troubles are worse. I’ve heard the story that if everyone we knew threw their problems in a basket, we would immediately rush to grab ours back. But just because we wouldn’t trade them with someone else doesn’t mean we have to appreciate them.
Also, if someone is sharing a problem with you, they are looking for one of two things: a shoulder to cry on or a mind to brainstorm with. Know which one they are looking for before offering advice. But you’ll notice that “tell them how wrong they are for feeling bad” is not on the list. If it’s something you deem silly, they probably already know that it is a relatively minor thing to feel upset about. And I would bet that they are already beating themselves up for letting something so small bother them in the first place.
We also don’t get to decide what is hard for any one person. Just because public speaking doesn’t scare me does not mean that it isn’t paralyzing to another person. And just because someone has sailed gracefully through something we would rate as harder doesn’t mean we had the whole story when they went through the hard thing (because we never do), and it also doesn’t mean that this “easy” thing to us is easier for them. I’m thinking about my friend whose husband deployed six times during their first seven years of marriage. He just recently left on a short deployment, and she’s struggling with this one because, despite the fact that she’s gone through longer and more dangerous deployments, this is the first one after he’s spent five years at home and the first one where her daughter is really old enough to understand what is happening.
We have no idea what we are signing up for with anything. We have our guesses and hope for the best. We will never know or be prepared for tragedy to strike. We can’t anticipate when health or finances will be poor. Even the most experienced military child turned military spouse will have no idea how a deployment works when saying goodbye to a romantic partner rather than a parent. My family has almost no military connection. We don’t have family members that served when I was growing up. The hardships of military life with friends we did have were kept at a distance because we weren’t in the same community and weren’t the go-to support during difficult times.
I knew very little about what I was signing up for by marrying my husband. I came into military life about as blind as I could be. We don’t choose who we love, and we don’t get to choose the dreams that our partner chases. Of course, I would do it all over again. My husband is worth every challenging moment that the military throws at us because we tackle it together. Even if I had received a list of every complicated, awful, and difficult thing that marrying into the military would bring, and I still chose to sign the marriage certificate, it wouldn’t make the hard days any easier. So don’t dismiss the troubles of the military spouse around you because no one knew what they were signing up for, and frankly, even if they did, telling them that they are the reason for their suffering isn’t the neighborly thing to do.