Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to all! The two holidays don’t always overlap, but this year, the first night of Hanukkah falls on Christmas Day. All the more reason to celebrate December 25th with family, at least in my house. There is no place I would rather be on a holiday than with my family, but I know that is not the case for everyone. Being raised in a religiously blended family had some downsides, but mostly, it was all positive.
One of my parents' biggest perks was that they didn’t have to split holiday time between the families. When one side celebrates Christmas, and the other doesn’t, it makes it pretty easy to decide where to be on Christmas Day. The problem with this is that holidays looked super consistent for me growing up. My traditions are rooted in the same things that worked when I was 6, 12, and 18.
The biggest holiday that overlapped growing up was Thanksgiving, and even that didn’t feel like a divide between families because my aunt always worked Thanksgiving day. We could easily do Thanksgiving with my dad’s side the day of and reserve the following Friday for my mom’s. That was incredibly special for me growing up, and I didn’t realize how rare that is.
The problem is that this didn’t give me much flexibility to prepare for a changing life, especially one as a military spouse. My parents instilled flexibility in me for every other celebratory event, but somehow, I didn’t carry that lesson over to holidays, especially Christmas.
I’m writing this on my birthday, but we won’t celebrate today. It falls on a Thursday, and my husband and I must work late tonight. We have holiday parties with friends on Friday and Saturday, followed by my sister’s wedding next weekend. We probably won’t celebrate my birthday until after Christmas, which is not a big deal to me at all. Yet, somehow, talk about messing with my December 25th and I am ready to think the world is ending.
Not being flexible can have its perks because it means that I will do whatever it takes to keep that day intact, but it mainly sets me up for a rude awakening. Last year, we spent Christmas Day jet lagged as just a family of three in a friend’s guest bedroom. There were no decorations or presents, which was not the best day I’ve ever had. It was the right decision for that year since we had just come back from an international trip with family, so we couldn’t spare any extra leave, and we had sold our house while waiting out the last few days before our PCS.
This year is supposed to be my make-up Christmas. And so far, the season has been great, but it will not be the same Christmas that it was ten years ago. My traditions were not flexible enough to make room for life changes. My sister is getting married four days before Christmas, so she will be fully in newlywed mode even if they make it to a Christmas Day celebration. My brother lives in LA, quite literally across the country, and we are still unsure whether he’ll be home for the day. (Obviously, you’ll be reading this on Christmas Day, so I will undoubtedly have the answer to that question, but that doesn’t change all the emotions attached to a final decision). If we celebrate at our house it will just be the three of us and my parents. If we go to Wilmington, we will see more family, but it’ll be a quick in-and-out trip since we can’t spare any extra leave.
There’s no right choice. One may be better than the other, but ultimately, the best option is the one that works for the most people. The right choice is for me to adjust my definition of what a perfect Christmas looks like. That’s what a lot of military life is about. But as much as I want to blame the military, it’s really what a lot of adult life is about.
Adjusting expectations is really hard. Next year, my husband will probably be deployed at Christmas. That’ll be our first separation on the holiday, which will make it look drastically different. After three years of different Christmases, it is probably time to update what the day looks like.
We are already adjusting the norms in our family by not doing Santa with our son. We’ve already adjusted by not spending Christmas with my grandparents since my immediate family flew to Oklahoma for three of the last four years. Those changes fit my goals, but if I better define the goal and feel of the day, then I know there are more adjustments I can make.
Military life and adult life will make holidays different. That doesn’t mean they’ll be bad, and it doesn't necessarily mean they’ll be better. Getting to the heart of what we want out of a day can open us up to more holiday spirit throughout the season and feel the joy of a holiday no matter how different it looks from what we may have been used to. I hope today gave you what you wanted; I know it did that for me. But that doesn't mean it will next year, so I hope we can get specific about what brings the magic of the season so we can replicate that spirit even if a couple of puzzle pieces are missing.