Put Fear In The Backseat
Today was the official restart day of my work in insurance. I called current clients today to schedule appointments for tomorrow and Wednesday. It was exciting. I had success. And the whole time, I had this nervous pit in my stomach. I knew that pit would come back, which is why I wrote myself that letter from a few weeks ago in the first place.
Those who haven't worked in this style of sales probably won't recognize the silent chant of "please, don't answer," while at the same time hoping they answer because it's the only way to move forward towards success. You've probably heard it said before that anxiety is just poorly directed excitement. That's not true, but the two feelings border one another. It's not as simple as saying, "I'm excited" over and over again, though.
When we saw James Acaster perform back in November, he talked about this line. He shared that he spent years trying to convince himself that all of his nerves were just excitement in disguise. People would tell him he was brave for doing stand-up, and he would respond that he was far too excited to be brave. Now that he knows nerves are just nerves, he proudly declares his bravery. Maybe not as brave as a soldier or a firefighter, but definitely as brave as a lifeguard (well, a pool lifeguard, not a beach one).
I don't know how well that joke reads in a text format, but it was one of my favorites. He spent most of the show talking about how he had to protect the boy, his inner child. That child was always out on stage with him, terrified of what would or could go wrong from a poorly timed joke.
We all have that child with us, and we all live with fear. We can't fully get rid of fear. Our fears and our dreams are born in the same place. They share vital organs, and so often, when we try to kill off fear in our lives, we destroy our dreams at the same time. Fear is valuable. It's what keeps us from doing stupid things like putting our hands down the garbage disposal or driving down the wrong side of the highway. It serves the purpose of keeping us alive while simultaneously being one of the biggest things that holds us back from pursuing life to the fullest.
So we can't kill fear and certainly can't let it run our lives, so what do we do? I'm going to share an excerpt from a letter from Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert (seriously, get this book). She wrote to Fear about a road trip they would be taking together with creativity. At one point, she writes, "[to Fear] You're allowed to have a seat, and you're allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You're not allowed to touch the road maps; you're not allowed to suggest detours; you're not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you're not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive." Later on she writes, "if you can't learn to travel comfortably alongside your fear, then you'll never be able to go anywhere interesting or do anything interesting."
Fear is essential. It does have an important role to play. But if we aren't careful, it will paralyze us. Avoiding or ignoring fear doesn't work. It often only intensifies those feelings. What does work is inviting fear in. We don't have to give fear unfettered access to our choices, but we can let its voice be heard.
Treat fear like a toddler. You listen to the babbles. Acknowledge their words and show appreciation for what they've shared. But, ultimately, we would never make a significant decision based solely on the ramblings of a three-year-old. Sometimes, we take their opinions into consideration, but most of the time, they don't know enough about where we are going or what we are doing to make a solid contribution.
So give fear a voice. Let them have a listening ear when something pops up that worries them. And then take that with a grain of salt and listen to your dreams. Listen to what you know is right, and move forward in that direction because fear should never be the one in charge of which way we turn.
I'm still feeling the fear. I'll feel it again the next time I get on the phone. I'll undoubtedly feel it tomorrow when I go meet with clients. But I've decided to invite fear along. I'll buckle it up in the backseat and remind it that while it can come along for the ride, it has to stay in the car while I do my work.
We don't erase fear from our lives. We just learn how to be braver alongside it. I'm pretty confident you've seen that from seasoned military spouses going through their umpteenth deployment or PCS. They aren't any less scared than we are as young spouses. They just figured out how to be a bit more brave. If they can do that with military life, I'm pretty confident that we can too, and we can do the same thing for our dreams.