Surviving Day Zero of a Deployment
We've talked about the pre-deployment phase; whether it lasts six months or six days, we are prepared to keep our dreams alive during that time. That doesn't mean we will be perfect, and that doesn't mean it won't be challenging, but we are ready when the time comes.
Let's talk now about the deployment phase. Based on the military definition, the deployment stage is only considered the first month. The entirety of their departure is a deployment, but after the first month, we enter the sustainment phase. The first month is probably the hardest for most people. So, I want to break this down even more and talk about the first day they are gone. Everyone reacts to this differently, and there are a lot of coping strategies available to us.
I'm not sure if this is the way it works for every branch or every job, but for my husband's, we drop him off, and he waits in a holding area for an undisclosed amount of time until he boards the plane and leaves. Hopefully, he actually leaves that day. I have heard story after story of saying goodbye only for something to be wrong with the plane, and we have to pick them up hours later only to go through the same process the next day. It is gut-wrenching to say goodbye, and it is incredibly draining to have to repeat that process. But assuming they actually leave because one day they will, we have to be prepared to cope.
On the first day that they leave, we don't need to think about our dreams. We can let them slide for the first day, week, and honestly, even month of the deployment. Our goal at this point is to survive. We can worry about thriving later. So, what do we do on the first day that they are gone?
1. Hang out a talk to other spouses.
We are all reeling from the departure. Usually, everyone gets dropped off around the same time. In the past, the key spouses for our squadron had bagels and coffee outside for the early morning drop-off. Most people didn't feel like eating, but it was a gathering point for those who wanted some community. I had the space and friendship to burst into tears and be held for a moment. I had time to wait out the departure just a little bit longer, even if I had already said goodbye to my husband.
2. Go to work.
I know many spouses who took a few hours off in the morning to drop off their spouse and then returned to work in the afternoon. Hopefully, no one has to do this. The ones I know were offered time off and chose not to take it. They wanted the distraction of being back in the office. They wanted to be busy and fill their mind so that they didn't have to think about their spouse leaving.
3. Go home.
It took a few hours before I was ready to go back home to my empty house after my husband left. The hardest part of that day, and every day of the deployment, was seeing his car parked in the driveway. Knowing that his car was there and that he wasn't was really difficult. But eventually, we all have to go home. I've realized that I like coming home to an empty house. Even though I will have my son with me next time, I don't want anyone else around, at least not for the first few days. I need the time to process and grieve in my own home. I need the space to feel different because everything is different. If I fill it with company right away, then I am just pushing off the inevitable.
4. Rage clean.
During the first few days of a deployment, I clean and purge everything in my home. I move the couches away from the walls to vacuum the floors and dust the baseboards. I empty the fridge to wipe the shelves. I go through the pantry and throw out every stale and expired thing in it. There is something cathartic about this process. I get to take all my intense emotions about the deployment and funnel them into scrubbing away hard water stains in the shower. I know this method works for a lot of people, and it's something that we can start on the first day.
5. Protect yourself.
When we talk about rage cleaning, there are a few things that I don't do. I don't change the sheets, throw away his cup of water from Dunkin that we got that morning, or swap out my husband's towel. I do all these things before he comes home, but I'll be honest, I let those things get pretty disgusting before that point. It's a superstition thing. I don't want to lose those pieces of him in my home, so I don't. Something in my brain worries that if I wash the sheets, he won't return home. Now, obviously, those two things aren't connected, but it's a little something that I can do to keep the faith that he will return. And I don't care what other people say about whatever quirky things you do to keep the faith, do them because they are right for you.
6. Start a countdown or count-up.
I've seen a lot of these online. I did both during my husband's deployment. I counted down to when he would return home, but I knew that initial number wasn't accurate. I had to add days to it at the end when the final date was set and added even more when he was delayed. So, I also counted up. Every day that I got to add to the count was another record of my victory and strength. It gave me pride to add those numbers up, and it gave me hope to count those numbers down. And on that first day, I put zero for days gone. Even though it wasn't necessarily a number of victory, it gave me a place to start my count from.
7. Talk to someone we love or don't.
Whenever I left home for something new or hard, my mom and I had a rule: I would reach out first. I love talking to my mom, and I do it often (my husband would say too often), but when I am in a transition phase of life, I need the space to take the first step. Having her reach out to me first could mean she does it at the wrong time, and it would only intensify feelings of missing home. On that first day, and usually the first few days, I don't reach out. When I am ready to talk to my mom, I know she will be there for me. I know she is only one call away. I hope you have someone like that in your life. And on the day our spouses leave, I hope you can call them if you want to.
8. Treat yo’ self.
A friend shared that every time her husband deployed (he was in special forces, so that was quite often), she would take her kids out for a nice dinner that first night. It wasn't a celebration that their father was gone. Instead, it was a reminder that life goes on. They would miss him dearly and count the moments until he got home, but they would not put life on hold every time their father had to go serve. So, whether it is a nice dinner, a trip to Target, or some online shopping, find a way to remind yourself that life goes on.
Remembering that life goes on is one of the hardest parts of a deployment. It is so difficult to watch everyone in the world acting like nothing has happened when we know that half our heart is across the globe. We have to get to that point of understanding at some point, though. It is required to thrive during a deployment. But on day zero, we just have to survive. Find the things that make that first day manageable and get through. Tomorrow will be hard, but we will be one day stronger and one day closer to our spouses returning. We will worry about our dreams next, but on the first day, the only thing that matters is making it through.