The Family Cartel
You can call your support system whatever you want. It is entirely yours to decide. I call mine a cartel. I chose the word, cartel because, at its core, a cartel is a collection of parties working together for a mutual interest. And that's exactly what my support system is. Everyone in it is working in one way or another to help me reach my dream. I do the same for them. It doesn't matter what the method of contribution is. Some members will contribute a lot, and some will only contribute a little, but they all work together for the greater goal. Plus, I always liked the idea of living the glamorous criminal life that I see on some of my favorite TV shows, so I can bring a little bit of that into my life by using this term.
Cartels are both the easiest and hardest things to build. We have to understand that some people are with us for the long haul, and some people will only be around for a short time. We also have to be aware of people that we should let into the cartel and the ones that we should not. The most challenging times are when there are people that we feel should naturally be part of our cartel, but they have not earned the right to be there.
I'm going to introduce parts of my cartel that will hopefully help you identify who your members are and should be. Starting off, I want to talk about family. This is the trickiest one because we should have these people in our corner, but that is not always guaranteed. They don't get to join simply because we love them. They have to be supportive of our dream as well.
My parents and my siblings are extremely supportive of my writing dream. I already shared how my dad was one of the people that gave me the confirmation I needed to chase my dream. My dad is one of the only people who has read my entire book. I trust my mom with everything, and there have been innumerable times that I have leaned on her when wrestling with my purpose, motherhood and life in general. My sister and I are pretty competitive with one another, and that can lead to some tension. Plus, we are very good at getting on each other's nerves, but when I have a bad day, I know she is always one call away to pick me up. And she is just as accessible on my good days when I want to celebrate. My brother and I are chasing very similar dreams in some regard. And he is always one call away whenever I need a reminder about how important sharing our creativity with the world is.
I can't say enough good things about my husband. He has supported me every step of the way, whether that means my dream brings in an income or not. He has encouraged me when I get off track, and he has pushed me to get back on track when a friendly nudge isn't doing the trick. He has refused to allow motherhood to let me compromise on chasing my dreams, which is a trap I would quickly fall into if left to my own devices. He has been an equal partner in our lives, giving me more freedom to work on what I feel called to. I have not always been an equal supporter of his dreams, whether in military life or on the home front. I have not been big on compromising in areas where I don't want to. I am working on it, and every day I get a little better (because, as cartel members, it is our job to support other's dreams even if we don't quite understand them), but he has never once held that against me when we are talking about my dreams. My son is far too little to do much to support, but he loves sitting next to me while I write, which is worth more than I could ever ask for.
Family is one of the most difficult aspects of a cartel. My family has absolutely earned the right to be part of it. They give me the support I need to chase my dreams. They call me out when I am not doing what I am supposed to be. They all have their own dreams to pursue, which inspires me every day. However, just because someone is blood doesn't mean they have earned the right to join you. Here's the key to knowing if the family is a good addition to your cartel; frankly, this applies to anyone you let in. How do they react when they hear my dream?
I think people can have three immediate reactions when hearing a dream: shock, excitement and disapproval. And some people may have a combination of all three. Shock can be positive or negative. These people react surprised when they hear your dream, not because they think you are incapable of it, but because it seems to come out of left field. For example, if you have been working all your life in law school and then discover that your dream is to open up a design firm. People may be surprised to hear such a shift in aspirations. The shock can also come if people believe you cannot achieve something so grand. People can be excited when they recognize the fire within us. They can also be excited if this is something they thought we would be good at or enjoy for a long time and we have finally decided to pursue it. People can disapprove if they believe chasing this dream is a waste of time or beneath us in some way. They can also be disapproving if they think the dream is out of reach for us.
And in some ways, those disapproving people will be correct. The very reason we chase dreams is because they begin out of reach for us. We have to grow in our capacity and understanding to achieve them. When people express their reactions, we do have to take it into consideration. If these people have loved and supported us for a long time, then we need to listen to their concerns and make sure we have evaluated those things for ourselves. These people know us very well in many ways, and they may be aware of pitfalls that we have not considered, overlooked or just plain ignored. Listening to these people can help set us up for success as we chase our dreams. The trick is not to listen too much when the concerns stop being about things we haven't thought about and become critiques of ourselves and our past. We must trust our dream. When we know it in our gut, we fight for it. Everyone who wants to get on board can; if they don't, they just need to stay out of our way.
I've shared before how quickly my husband and I progressed from dating to engaged to married. Shortly before our engagement, we almost eloped. We knew we were in love and going to get married, so we didn't want to waste any more time. We ultimately decided against eloping because we wanted our friends and family to be part of it. My parents were shocked when they found out. My parents had realistic concerns about how quickly we were moving and asked lots of questions that I knew the answers to. They got on board (if they were reluctant after that moment, they never showed it to me) and fully supported me in achieving my dream of marrying my husband.
My siblings, on the other hand, were disapproving. They thought we were moving too quickly. They didn't know Jacob. They had only met him a few times (and I'm being generous, calling it a few since I don't quite remember) because he had lived at least three hours away the entire time we dated. In their minds, they saw him as a villain who was taking their sister away to Oklahoma. My family has always been close; even our extended family lived within six hours. I would be moving 18 hours away and would be not just a road trip but a flight away (we did that drive twice and decided never again because that is far too long to be on the road). The only thing I could do was love on my siblings (which I'll admit I did not do with much grace during that time) and encourage them that I had found the love of my life. Distance would not change our relationship, and I was making the right call for myself. It has not always been perfect merging my marriage and my siblings, but things are continually improving, and I genuinely believe they support my dream.
There were still other people who heard my dream, disapproved of it, and are not really part of my life anymore. I did not cut them out entirely, but when it came to my dream, conversations about it became off-limits. They had valid reasons for disapproval, and many of those were the same as my parents. The difference was when I addressed them with my parents; they got on board. When I addressed them with these people, they maintained disapproval.
To those with questions and concerns, we must first ask ourselves, do I care what they think? If the answer is yes, then we address and validate those concerns. This doesn't necessarily mean that we change our path, but we can take the time to recognize where these people are coming from. If the answer is no, then we don't give them a second thought. This can be very hard, especially if these people have been part of your life for a long time. People that you would consider family even if they aren't technically. This does not mean that they can no longer be part of our lives, but it does mean that we have to protect our dream. In the beginning, the dream is fragile and we must set up boundaries that protect it from dream crushers.
Ultimately, it is just me and my dream. I get to decide who I let into my cartel. I get to decide what the right thing is for me to pursue. I get to decide how people are allowed to interact with my dream. You get the same choice. I hope you have your family's backing on this journey, but if you don't draw firm boundaries, remember that a cartel is not just made up of who lives in your house. It has so many facets, and we will talk more about other places to find our cartel members next week.