The Last Piece of Our Cartel
I want to wrap up this cartel conversation with the remaining source. I don't have a great name to call this collection of people on your team, but that doesn't make them any less valuable. These are the people in your life who don't live locally and aren't necessarily family (although for many of them, we probably would consider them family). This is a tribe we are all very familiar with as military spouses.
My guess is very few of us get to live in the same state, let alone the same city, as our best friend. For me, the women I have called on for many years live in Indiana, South Carolina and soon Colorado (which will only be eight hours away if we get the PCS orders we are hoping for). These are the women in my life that will come whenever I call, and I do the same for them.
When I found out my husband was deploying with very little notice, I told my Indiana friend, and she immediately asked when I wanted her to come. When I had my son, my Colorado friend drove six hours out of her way just to meet him, even though she only stayed for a few hours before hitting the road again. Every time we visit home, my South Carolina friend sits almost perfectly between both sets of parents, and she is a welcome lunch date to break up the road trip, especially with a baby who is not a fan of being in the car for more than two hours at a time. When I got married, these women were at my side. When I learned I was pregnant, they were quick to declare themselves "auntie." And when I told them my dream, they all responded with something like, "That sounds exactly like you, and I think you will do amazing."
I hope you have these people in your life. These are the people whose friendship knows no bounds. These are the people who pick up right where you left off, no matter how much time you spend apart. Some of them may have been in your life for a very long time, like my Indiana friend, whom I met at a mutual friend’s pool party during the summer before sixth grade. Or they may have entered more recently, like my South Carolina friend who was my roommate throughout college (granted, my college years aren't nearly as recent as I keep thinking they are) until she left to pursue her dream. Or maybe that came into your life under unusual circumstances, like my Colorado friend whom I met while she was dating my future husband (definitely our favorite fun fact to share with strangers. Plus, she's a double amputee, so we have the running joke that if you date my husband, you will lose your legs).
I can't help you find these people. And odds are they probably already exist in your life. I don't have any strategies for building these friendships that I believe will last a lifetime because I have a slew of friendships that I thought would pass that test and didn't. All I can tell you is to show up for the people you love, and the really special ones are the ones that show back up for you.
That "I'm going to show up" approach makes us good people. And people generally like good people. This mentality helps us build a network across the country and the world of people willing to vouch for us. We aren't being nice in some sort of tit-for-tat approach, hoping that someone will serve us in some way later on. We are nice because that is how our mamas raised us.
Life in the military community fuels this kind of friendship. The reality is that the friends we make at one base probably won't follow us to the next. My husband's work community is pretty small, which means we are more likely to re-encounter these people down the road, but there will undoubtedly be years that we spend apart. The community that we have built locally will either move away from us or we will move away from them. But that does not mean the relationship has to end. We can remain in community with one another even if grabbing coffee while our husbands fly isn't as easy as it once was.
We succeed in life because of the relationships that we have. We can certainly achieve a great deal on our own, but things are so much easier when we have people to share that journey with. And I find just as much meaning in helping my cartel achieve their dreams as I do in achieving mine. I believe that every dream in your heart was made for your life. If it is there, and you cherish it, then some course of action will bring it to fruition. The pathways we take are often made simpler with the people in our lives.
That being said, until you have a team, you are the team. And maybe that's where you're at right now. We can't even begin to develop a cartel until we let people in on what our dream is. That is an incredibly personal and vulnerable step. I understand if you are not ready to make it. I have accomplished a lot, keeping my dream primarily between my keyboard and me. There came a day, though, when I had to let the world in. My dream depended on people, and at a certain point, yours probably does too. The dream of buying a hot tub requires a hot tub salesperson. The dream of medical school requires admission advisors and professors. The dream of publishing a book requires a multitude of people spanning from agents to publishers to readers.
I don't know how many people your dream will require to be achieved, but I do know it will take at least two. Even if those two people are you and your spouse cheering you on, it's a team. The point of the cartel is not to have the biggest one possible. The point is that we find the support we need when we need it. We have a community to rely on. The need for that community will always grow. We will always discover new ways that we need help, whether that is someone you put down as an emergency contact when your child starts at a new school or looking for a babysitter in Miami when you have a conference while your husband is TDY (if you know anyone, let me know). This team will be essential to our success in dream chasing.
The cartel is never stagnant. People will always enter and exit our lives. We will meet plenty of "just for now" people and very few "for a lifetime" people. No matter how long someone journeys with us, they will always hold a special place in our hearts. I think fondly of the friends that I no longer have. Even if the friendships went down in flames, there were plenty of good times prior. And those people were exactly what I needed when I met them. I hope you've found your cartel, and I hope you remain open to developing new relationships. I have easily fallen into the trap of only making one friend and relying entirely on them. That wasn't good for me, and it definitely wasn't good for them. Don't make that mistake. Grow a cartel that you love and thrive within. I promise it is worth it because we all need someone to call on as we make this journey toward our dreams and, frankly, just as we travel through life.
-SARAH HARTLEY