What Do We Do When Fear Surprises Us?
As I've gotten older, I've noticed that my fear of things has increased. I would now describe things that might have just made me nervous a few years ago as a full-blown fear. I've seen it in real-time with our rock climbing.
When we started just a few months back, I could do the easy routes and make it to the top. I was then able to fully jump off the wall and trust the auto-belay system to catch me. With the auto belay, I will probably fall for about a second before the system fully locks into place. So maybe I would climb down a few paces, but I would be able to count to three and jump. It was something that made me a little nervous, but I could do it.
But the more we've gone, the more fearful I've become. At this point I cannot let go of the wall for the auto belay system to catch me. Instead, I climb back down the entirety. There were a few weeks where I couldn't even make it halfway up the wall before my fear started screaming that I needed to climb back down. Now, I can almost make it to the top, but I am limited to the walls that are at my skill level because I need the ability to climb back down.
This means that at a certain point, I cannot progress in my skill because I can't go on anything that challenges me without risking slipping off the wall. I have tried having someone belay me, which was definitely better since they could pull on the rope and hold me in place before I ever came off the wall, but I still have to face the fear head-on to let go.
I don't think this growing fear is the most uncommon thing in the world. I've heard from other people that they stopped doing riskier things when they got married or had kids. It's not so much a fear of the activity that prevents them; it's the fear that they will leave someone behind because of whatever they do. I don't think it's very common, though, to progressively become more fearful of something that we are consistently doing, especially if it is overall a safe activity. Sure, rock climbing has dangers, but if you do it correctly in the gym, there is much less risk. We are not talking about doing anything close to what they did in Free Solo (I do not recommend watching that if you have any fear of heights).
Things are always going to change as we get older. We will undoubtedly see changes in our bodies and our health, but we will also see changes in our brain chemistry and how we process things. In many ways, that will be healthy as we grow and mature as people, but there will definitely be some things that sneak up on us in ways we would not prefer. There are a couple of ways to deal with a fear, especially a new fear:
1. Therapy
I'm sure there is some answer out there as to why these things are scaring me more, and there are probably more logical steps I could take to deal with it. I'm sure there are many things that could be done to help me overcome this fear, and there are probably deeper roots to why it's happening. That being said, therapy is my go-to solution for many things because it has been so helpful throughout my life. Contrary to popular belief, there are actually a lot of military-friendly programs to help spouses find counselors in their areas, so definitely seek those out and keep searching if you don't like the first counselor you talk to. Just because you went on one "date" doesn't mean you owe them another.
2. Ignore/Avoid it
There always exists the option to ignore or avoid our fear. We can take dramatic steps to ensure we don't encounter the things we fear. This is probably easier for some of us than others. If we have a fear of the ocean and live in Missouri, we don't really have to worry about it. That doesn't mean we shouldn't deal with it, but it does me that it isn't affecting our lives on a consistent basis.
3. Accept it
If we don't want to take the steps to resolve our fear, then we don't have to. We are all grown adults and can make our own choices. That being said, I would advocate for this option far more if we also feel like we aren't missing out by not having this thing in our lives. For example, I definitely have anxiety when it comes to being on boats, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on much by turning down the occasional boating trip. On top of that, I married someone who gets motion sick, so I always have a partner to skip out on the boating trip with. It really doesn't affect my life, so I've just accepted it as part of who I am.
4. Keep showing up
However, the same thing does not apply to my fear of rock climbing. Every Monday, we do this with friends, and I love having an activity that combines friendship, dinner, exercise, and remaining indoors. It's such a great activity for me, and having this fear does get in the way of thoroughly enjoying the experience. So I keep showing up, and I keep climbing despite my fear. I don't go as far as I could, and I don't push as hard as I can, but I keep showing up. I firmly believe that one day, I will fully trust myself in this system because I have too much proof not to.
On Monday, I said we should take risks because that's where we find some of the most amazing things in life. That's easier said than done, especially if fear sits beside us in the car. The good news is we get to decide what to do with fear. We may never be able to kick him out for good. Fear will always serve a purpose, but we can push him to the backseat and take the phone out of his hands. Fear doesn't get to set the direction of our lives or even control the playlist we drive to. It's up to us to decide what we are going to do with fear, though, because I personally don't want to let him come in between me and my dreams..