When finding a new dream goes wrong

Apologies for the delay in getting this post out to y’all, but here is Monday’s post, as promised!

People change over a deployment. My husband and I were both different people at the end. In so many ways, this was better. Our marriage was stronger on the other side of the deployment. Our communication was smoother. We had grown and were ready for the next step of our lives, which was parenthood (I know, very cliche again). We were very fortunate that my husband didn’t come home with any sort of PTSD from his deployment. If you or your spouse did, please get help sooner than later. There are so many options for anonymous treatment, at least starting out, for those who are worried about something ending up on their military record.

But something else changed over the deployment. My husband discovered a new dream, and I was a poor example of a supportive spouse. We don’t have to be all in as supportive spouses, but we do need to not actively get in the way at the bare minimum. I’ve come around much more today and am far more supportive than I was two years ago, but I am not perfect. And I want to share that I was a poor example of helping someone I love achieve his dream.

When my husband got back from deployment, he had the dream of saving the world, which started with us being more eco-friendly at home. As an animal science major in college and someone sick of seeing animals injured in one way or another by humans, every time he opened up social media, he was ready to do something about it at home. He also felt like there was so much waste over the deployment. There was food that went bad from the heat, so many single-use products that were trashed afterward (not a lot of recycling plant options in the desert), and burn pits releasing who knows what into the air.

The combination of all these things created a dream that came in fast and intense once it hit my husband. Honestly, this was the most passionate I had seen him be about something since I met him. And rather than getting excited about my husband’s newfound dream, I was frustrated about the changes it would create in my life. I’ve never been big on not getting what I want. I think I’ve made that pretty clear to y’all by now. And I’m not that big on compromise, either.

But compromise is required for a healthy relationship. Even better than compromise, though, is collaboration. And here’s the thing: my husband wasn’t asking that much of me. But was prepared to weaponize incompetence when it came to being eco-friendly. I didn’t want to put any additional effort in or deviate from my norms.

We each own our dreams. It is never going to be someone else’s responsibility to pursue them. We have to chase our dreams ourselves and hope that others come along. But in a marriage and family, we should be committed to helping one another achieve our dreams, especially those that leave the world a better place (which, frankly, I believe all dreams do that).

I played my part and did what he asked me to do while complaining and rolling my eyes the whole time. It’s not exactly what either he or I wanted. And by the way, these weren’t really life-changing asks. It was things like bringing reusable bags when I went grocery shopping or using washable rags instead of paper towels. It was separating the fruits and veggies that I cut up for dinner into a pile to compost rather than throwing them directly in the trash. These really weren’t hard to do, and on the other side of each of these changes, I can honestly say that they weren’t as bad as I thought they would be.

This is not a pitch for you to be more eco-friendly in your home (although it probably is a good idea if you can swing it). This is my husband’s dream, and because it’s his dream, it has become mine in some way. This means that I actively seek out more resources. He’s the one looking at crazy things like composting toilets, but I can look at the everyday things in our life and manage the waste, like finding the compostable equivalent to bubble wrap for our move. (This is the brand I’m loving if you want to try it out https://amzn.to/45k9OcX )

For our anniversary last year, I wanted a new purse, so I researched eco-friendly companies and picked out my favorite. I got him a subscription to a local composting service so that we could start composting things that went beyond the capacity of our backyard bin. Trust me, he was really excited about the gift, and I found it all on my own. There is compromise when it comes to this dream because the reality of our life is that there will be waste. We can’t move entirely off the grid and live off the land (not that we want to, anyway). We have financial constraints that prevent us from making choices we’d prefer. We have time constraints because everything has to be maintainable when we can’t be home. Between his TDYs and my travel, there are often periods where no one is there to man the homefront.

I’m on board now, but I should have been supportive from day one. Here’s the thing: dreams come from such a vulnerable place. They are ingrained in us, and they are entirely part of us. We will change and grow throughout our lives. Discovering new dreams is a sign of a life well lived. We must recognize that these dreams are part of ourselves and our spouses. Recognizing their power in our lives is one of the biggest motivators for achieving them. There are so many people out there who will rain on our dreams. Don’t be that person for your spouse. I promise the world is more beautiful when we are all chasing our dreams.

-sarah hartley

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