6 Ways To Cope During The Thriving Phase
When we reach the thriving stage, things feel easier. Going through the day-to-day activities alone becomes a new normal. This doesn't mean that we don't still have hard days. We still miss our spouses greatly. We've just found a way to function within this new environment.
But just because life has become simpler doesn't mean that we don't still need coping strategies. If we aren't careful, slipping back into the surviving stage is very easy. And there will always be bad days, no matter how "great" we are doing. My mom always told me, "Just because it's a bad day doesn't mean it was a bad choice." We will always have tough days, but that doesn't mean that we are doing the wrong things to support ourselves or that this isn't where we are supposed to be. So these are the things that I use to cope in the thriving stage.
1. Have big things planned
For me, I like to travel. During my husband's first deployment, I was child-free, which made things easier. But I traveled constantly. I can't thank my neighbor enough for how many times he got up at four in the morning to drive me to the airport. And I was traveling everywhere. I would take any excuse to fly back home or some other place to be with family or friends. And towards the end of the deployment, about a month before my husband came home, I went to Aruba. Now, under those circumstances, it was an all-expenses paid trip that my sister had qualified for, and she took me as her plus one. She's got a great boyfriend right now, so I won't get to be the plus one on any more of those amazing trips. Still, I fully intend on planning a more extensive trip towards the end of deployment next time (maybe with some fellow spouses) because it gave me something big to look forward to and a great "vacation" from my deployment life.
This may look like having small, exciting things planned every week. Maybe we plan something bigger every month. Maybe we plan something huge every quarter. These are just treats for ourselves because we are thriving during this hard thing. Between the trips I have to look forward to, I also have a monthly Bravecrate delivered (highly recommended), and I try to do a weekly dinner, coffee, and FaceTime with my local and long-distance friends.
2. Help someone out
We've all heard the saying, "You can't help someone until you help yourself." And that is very true, especially during periods of separation when life has gotten a whole lot harder. But if we find ourselves in the thriving stage, then we have the chance to pay that forward.
The night my husband deployed, my neighbor texted me that she had just had her husband drop something off on my doorstep. She was 7 hours away at the time and still managed to get me something. It was a collection of wine, chocolates, bath bombs (everything I needed to survive), and a card reminding me that everything would be ok and that she was right next door if I needed anything. That gift meant everything to me. I was completely surprised and overwhelmed by the care that the community I had was giving.
Now I get to pay that forward. When my husband was put on a last-minute deployment, I had gift baskets ready to go for the other spouses that were being left behind. This may look like cooking meals for someone, inviting someone over for a movie night, or babysitting for a very overwhelmed parent. Whatever it looks like, serve where you can because I promise there is so much value in that. And if you were left in a tough place with a separation, but you have made it beyond that, then reach the need that you felt was missing. We all know what would have been the best gift to give ourselves during that time, and maybe we can do the same for someone else that is struggling.
3. Make room for joy
At the beginning of a separation, we often feel more painful emotions. We are sad and lonely with our spouse away. We are angry about the role of the military in our life. These are all healthy things to feel, but we are also allowed to feel happy emotions. Life goes on. While our service members are away, slumming it in tents in the desert (or $200 a night hotel rooms if they're in the chair force like my husband), they are still finding room for joy. I know the camaraderie that they are developing. There is room for laughter over a drink or around a card table. There are dumb jokes and call signs that are making their mark. In between the mission, the hard work, and the devastation that can happen, they still find room for happiness.
We need to do the same. Don't try to hold back these happy emotions because doing that is just as dangerous as holding back the sad ones. This took me a long time to figure out. And while I still struggle sometimes with celebrating when I know my husband is stressed about a mission, I know that it is ok to do. And I want him to be able to find joy even if I'm dealing with a busted water heater that can't be fixed for two weeks back home.
4. Practice radical acts of self-care
Sure, now we have the time, energy, and excitement to create those luxurious bubble baths, but what I am talking about here is more so our goals. Self-care often gets diminished down to things that are basically required for a healthy survival. But what self-care really should look like is managing and advocating for things that bring us joy. This especially applies to our dreams. In many ways, this is the time when we can make big "moves" in our lives. This is the time to go all out chasing our goals because we don't have the pull of wanting to be home with our spouses. Obviously, if we have kids, there is increased responsibility there, but we can find ways to care for our children and chase our dreams at the same time.
It is harder to work on our dreams during separations. The increased responsibility and stress can quickly push our dreams to the back burner. But this is also a time when we can prioritize going all out. Often people set big goals during deployments, whether getting into shape, purging the house, paying off credit card debt, or anything else. It is really common to have a goal for the deployment, and certainly, a healthy thing to pursue. We don't have to limit this, though, to something that will be strictly completed within the time apart. We can use this time to prioritize whatever dream we are working on and be one step closer (or maybe even achieve it) when our spouses come home.
5. Stay appropriately busy
This is the time when we can make significant strides. This is the time to rearrange the living room 15 times because we can't quite figure out how to make this chair that we love work. This is the time that we start a garden or redo the patio furniture. This is when we start a new hobby or say yes to something we have always considered trying. This is the time when we get to be there for our friends in ways we never could be before.
Our goal is not to burn ourselves out. The goal is not to have something planned for every minute of every day. We don't want to be speeding from the second we wake up until our head hits the pillow. What we do want is to fill our lives and our schedules with things that matter to us. We spend our days doing what we love and mix in those chores that we don't really like. Our days should be full of life but not crowded.
6. Find out who you are
We get to discover our strengths during a separation. We get to handle challenges on our own and celebrate victories that we single-handedly achieved. We discover our inner strength and outer as well. Trust me, if I decide to rearrange a room while my husband is gone, nothing stops me from figuring out how to move furniture by myself.
We get to discover new coping mechanisms. We get to learn new strategies. Hopefully, we grow our relationships through stronger communication. We get to do an internal evaluation when it is just us, and we can discover some truly wonderful things. Our goal is not necessarily to be a changed person when the separation ends, but we do want to be one step closer to figuring out exactly who we want to be and how to get there. Whether we've made baby steps or grown by leaps and bounds, we have the opportunity to develop and learn just a little bit more about how incredible we are.
During the thriving time, we actually feel like we've got this. This is the time to open our minds up more to our dreams and begin to chase those new opportunities that arise. As always, take what works for you and ditch the rest. Thriving, by my definition, may be flailing by yours. There is no shame or judgment in doing things exactly the way you need them to be done. Because at the end of the day, we are all just trying to make it through in the best way we can, and hopefully, we'll have a smile on our faces during some of it.