6 Things You Shouldn’t Say When Your Spouse Is Having A Bad Day
These separations are hard across the board. I don't want to get into a who has it worse comparison because both sides are right to struggle. But our service members will have bad days, and we can either make things better or worse when they come to us with their difficulties.
Every couple has a different philosophy on this, so absolutely do what works best for your relationship, but I believe in full transparency. When I initially became a military spouse, I had a lot of veteran spouses tell me to hide when things were terrible back home because my husband didn't need to worry about me while he was on a mission.
That may very well be true and good advice, but it forgets to incorporate the fact that I am a terrible liar and that my husband will find something to worry about no matter what. When something is bothering me, my husband is quick to notice and becomes increasingly frustrated if I try to play it off that nothing is wrong. This advice also came from many spouses whose husbands were in much more dangerous positions. It's never good for my husband to be distracted in the field, but the risks are certainly lower than for some other military members.
All this to say that when I have a rough day, I tell my husband, and I want him to be able to do the same. I haven't always been a great listener on those days, so today, let's talk about all the wrong things we can say when our spouses have a bad day. (And frankly, most of them are the same things we never want to hear when we express concern about being military spouses).
Now I want to be clear, each one of these things was said by me out of a place of hurt. I was lonely, sad, and angry. Instead of sharing those emotions with my husband, I blamed him for them. And when he felt the same way, I didn't open up to hear his pain. And I don't say these things anymore, at least I try very hard not to because it isn't fair.
Early in our marriage, I tried to win every argument we had. That meant I would snap and say incredibly harsh things rather than listen and communicate to try to actually reach a solution. Like every civilian marriage, we all go through a learning curve, and I am grateful that I have grown past that mentality. But I can't take back the awful things I've said. I can only share those from a place of vulnerability so that you can avoid this mistake or know you aren't alone if you make the same one.
1. You knew what you signed up for
My husband signed up for the same reasons that I married him. He loved the mission, and it felt like exactly where he was supposed to be. That doesn't mean he had any idea how hard it would be to leave his family, especially once we had our son. That doesn't mean he was prepared for how frustrating the hurry-up-and-wait lifestyle is. And it certainly doesn't mean he was ready to start his career on a dying platform that would be going through many transitions. And even if he did know all these things beforehand, he would still sign up because it's his dream. The same way that we would marry our spouses again because the love won out over the fear of military life.
2. You wanted this
My husband wanted to deploy. He wanted to go on TDYs. He still wants to do all those things. He wants to be with his squadron because that is also his family. He wants to go into action because that's when he actually gets to do his job and prove that he is capable of everything he's been training for. But that doesn't mean that he wanted the lonely nights. That doesn't mean he wanted to miss our son's first time at the beach. That doesn't mean he wanted to battle time zones so big that it feels like we barely talk.
3. At least you get to sleep through the night (when I was traveling alone with a newborn, and he was unable to take leave)
When my husband is having a hard day, he certainly doesn't want to hear about how "great" he has it. And while sleeping through the night is a luxury that any parent would love to have, my husband would have gladly traded places with me. He hated missing out on time with our son and worried so much about the implications of his time away. He would have much rather been getting up in the middle of the night to care for our son than slept through and gone a month without seeing him.
4. At least the only thing you have to think about is your job
Now this happened more so before we balanced carrying the mental load in our household (definitely recommended, and maybe I'll do some posts on that later). But during his deployment, I was very overwhelmed by managing the home by myself, and this was before we had our son. This was my first time living alone, and I was unprepared for everything it entailed. I was convinced that my husband had things easier because he could shut his brain off when he finished work. There were no other responsibilities to think about after hours (which wasn't at all true, and even if it was, the lack of duties only made the call of home even louder).
5. This separation is better than the last since it's shorter
While this is objectively true, we've already established that the length of separation does not have anything to do with its difficulty. Some shorter separations require more demanding work and extended hours. Some have significant timezone gaps that make communicating back home difficult. Some have a multitude of canceled flights and changed plans so that it feels like work never actually gets done, and the whole trip is a waste. The amount of time apart is undoubtedly a factor in how hard a separation will be, but it certainly is not the only contributing factor.
6. You'd rather be away anyways
Ouch. This is probably the worst one I've said, and I've definitely said it more times than I'm proud of. It is such a tricky balance for our service members between being home with the family they love and being away on a mission they believe in. Our spouses have two circles of things that they love; unfortunately, there isn't a lot of overlap in that Venn diagram. I know I'll never fully understand what it feels like when these two things pull at opposite ends of the heart, but I can recognize when it's happening.
This isn't the perfect job. Frankly, there isn't a perfect job. We may all have a dream job, but that will always entail some sort of work that we aren't a fan of. Whether we get stuck with paperwork, handling demanding clients, or less than desirable pay, our dream job will have its downsides. The same is true for our spouse's dreams. They dreamed of serving their country, making a difference, and protecting their family. But this means time away from the very things they love. The separations aren't going anywhere. The military will always need our spouses somewhere around the world, and most of the time, that will be to a place where we can't follow (and probably wouldn't even want to if we could).
I certainly haven't always gotten it right as a military spouse. I think that's abundantly obvious by now. But I am getting better. It took me a long time to understand that this was my husband's dream and even longer to figure out how to support him in it. Hopefully, this helps in a way to know that you aren't alone if you've said some pretty nasty things on your spouse's hard days. On Monday, we'll talk about what they actually need in those moments (or at least what has worked best for my family so that maybe you can find the perfect solution for yours).