ESTABLISHING A NEW NORMAL
Eventually, the honeymoon phase comes to an end. This doesn't mean things are bad or worse in any sense. All it means is that the real world has come crashing back in. The kids have to return to school, everyone has to go back to work, and life returns to normal. That being said, it doesn't have to go back to the old normal.
The value of the post-deployment stage (aside from the obvious importance of getting our spouse back) is that we have an opportunity to redefine normal. When everyone is in the honeymoon phase, we can discuss what life will look like going forward. If we fail to have these conversations, then life can get tricky. It can either go back to the predeployment norms, which is something we may or may not be happy with, or we'll fall back into our deployment patterns while our spouse struggles to find their place back in the family.
People change over deployment. We'll talk more about that on Monday, but going through this experience leaves nothing untouched. We may be fortunate enough that our service members don't come back with any trauma from their experience, but that doesn't mean they haven't changed. If your spouse has returned with any bit of trauma, please seek help sooner rather than later. There is no shame in it; healing these types of things takes time. The sooner we can start a treatment plan, the better.
Change is inevitable, though. I'm sure you are not the same person your spouse married all those years ago and vice versa. My husband and I have both changed in some pretty significant ways over our almost four years of marriage. (As I'm writing this, I realize that our anniversary is next week!). We come out different on the other side of a deployment. Our relationship and communication skills will be in a new place. Our personal habits will likely have shifted. Our plans for the future may have us charting a new path. This is a great time to start things fresh so that we re-enter the real world in the most beneficial place possible.
1. Renegotiating roles and responsibilities
Over deployment, those of us at home took on more household tasks, and those away took on less. While managing everything, we may have discovered that there are new tasks we would prefer to handle. This can mean trading off what used to be the typical assignments or changing up the balance of tasks assigned. There are also probably tasks we are totally drained of doing that need to be handed off even if they were our usual responsibilities. Six months of planning every breakfast, lunch and dinner could leave anyone sick of driving to the grocery store.
There were also changes to the household overall during the deployment. Some tasks may have gone by the wayside. If we chose not to put our kids in extracurricular over deployment, then there was no need to manage drop-off and pick-up. My husband has a garden and green thumb in our household, so while I try to keep his plants alive during separations, it often doesn't happen. We may have also developed new methods of doing tasks that make life simpler or easier. While my husband was deployed, I switched to more natural cleaning products, which required a decent amount of explanation when he got home since they were all basically clear liquids in unlabeled glass bottles. It's important to note, that everyone has their own method for accomplishing daily grind tasks, and as long as it is getting done to community standards, then there shouldn't be an issue. Who cares that I always get on I-40 at exit 139, and my husband gets on at 140? The errands still get accomplished.
2. Renegotiating values and priorities
I'll go into more detail on a specific example of this on Monday, but we've changed over deployment. This probably means that our values and priorities have shifted. Maybe nothing has changed dramatically, but there have been changes. A lot of people come home from deployment with babies on their mind. It is not uncommon to hear a bunch of pregnancy announcements following the return of service members. This represents an emphasis on a family value that may not have been as strong before. It is also a shift in priorities, especially going from no kids to one kid. This is a decision to trade late nights out with friends for late nights in with a newborn (I am big on continuing to live your life to its fullest with children, but the ability to stay out late is often more about a child's specific temperament than anything else).
We've also really focused on prioritizing our dreams over deployment. That doesn't stop when the deployment ends, and if this was something we didn't focus on before, then it will be an adjustment to keep incorporated. Even if it was something we prioritized prior to deployment, we are likely at a different stage, which requires a different level of time, work, and emotional commitment.
3. Renegotiating outside relationships
By outside relationships, I mean anyone outside of the immediate family. This includes parents, in-laws, friends, etc. My husband really enjoys playing video games and DND with his friends from back home. That didn't happen over the deployment because even when he had spare time (outside of talking to me), he often didn't match up with his friends, or the wifi wasn't working well enough to do anything. That meant he was long overdue to hang out with them when he got back home. This didn't affect our honeymoon stage, but it was something that we had to make time for once we got back into the real world because even if I don't get along well with his friends, it's important that he maintains the relationships that matter to him.
Also, over the deployment, my husband got really close to some people that he didn't know beforehand. This is actually where the core of our friend group comes from, so I am incredibly grateful for that. But spending months far away from family, fighting for the same mission, bonds people. We have to be ready to accept those people into our lives or encourage our spouses to make time to maintain those relationships. I know it's hard that they lived a whole life without you over these past few months, but some truly amazing things can come out of it, and we have to remember that we lived a whole life without them as well.
4. Renegotiating how time is spent
Every relationship manages time together differently. Some couples always want to be together, and some love their alone time. There's no right or wrong, just whatever works best for y'all. This could shift over the deployment as well. Those who like alone time may take a long time to want it back since they had so much over the deployment. And some of us may have discovered that we like a little bit of me, myself and I time. No matter where we end up, we need to make space to prioritize our self-care and each other's.
The most important thing during this time is to be patient and understanding. Things may come very naturally to y'all. Everything may easily fall into place, or it may not. But if we are patient with the time it takes to establish a new routine and understand when we each make mistakes, things will smooth out. I think that with these conversations and changes, we will find that it is even better than before (even if it was pretty damn good then).