The First Night Alone Part 2
I'm sorry for the delay in getting this post up. Honestly, Wednesday was such a crazy day of solo parenting and traveling. I had managed to write the post before Wednesday since I knew it would be crazy, but the night got away from me. I visited a friend in the hospital, which was really nice, but I stayed significantly later than I had planned. By the time I got back to the in-laws around midnight, remembering to upload my blog was the last thing on my mind.
I’ve thought of other strategies that I use to survive my first few nights alone during a military separation. I also know there are plenty of things that other people do that just aren’t my cup of tea, so hopefully, this will complete a non-exhaustive list of ways to cope with the night alone. Just because the last separation was easy doesn’t mean this one will be, and surviving military life is all about finding newer and better ways to cope with the season we are in.
Travel
As a general rule of thumb in my life, if my husband is gone, then I am too. I usually spend a significant chunk of a separation traveling for various reasons. Between business and family, there is almost always something going on that I can justify going home for. I prefer to plan a trip a couple of days after my spouse leaves so that I have some time to process my emotions, and it gives me a short countdown to focus on. For this separation, I am heading to a conference this weekend, immediately followed by a week at the beach. I am excited about these things, making the initial countdown a shorter time to tackle.
Personal Security
I am not really a traditional weapons person, but by all means, have a weapon nearby that you are comfortable using. Odds are pretty good you’ll never have to reach for it, but if having it nearby makes you comfortable then that’s precisely where it should be.
Security System
This may not be as big of a concern if you live on the base (honestly, I’m not even sure you can install one on base), but most off-base families make sure they have a system in place before a separation. Installing a security system is a good measure, but an even better measure of protection is actually using it. So, along with the nightly routine of locking doors and windows, make sure to arm the alarm system.
White Noise
For some people, this is an actual machine. For others, it’s leaving the TV on all night. Don’t worry about the electric bill if this makes you feel safer. Just be mindful of how well you actually sleep, especially if you’re using something with blue light. For me, falling asleep with the TV on guarantees a pretty restless night.
Relaxation
Maybe this means a quick stretch session before bed. Or maybe it means a relaxing bath or shower. We are very good about establishing relaxing routines for our children leading up to bedtime, but how often are we implementing those same principles with ourselves?
Sentimental Objects
I already mentioned that I sleep with a hoard of stuffed animals from childhood and my husband. I also pull out one of his tshirts to sleep in. If there is something you can hold close that makes you feel safer, then you should absolutely add that to your bedtime routine.
Fresh Sheets (or not)
I know it’s gross, but I do not change my sheets when my husband is gone. That superstitious voice in my head says if I wash them, something terrible will happen, so I leave them on. That being said, I know there is a lot of comfort in crawling in bed with a fresh set of sheets. If that calms you down then a load of laundry should be first on the agenda for day zero of a separation. And if you feel better being gross like me, then just know there is zero judgment coming from me.
Guilty Pleasures
When my husband is gone, I have an all-access pass to watch all the trashy TV I want at night. If he’s home, I would much rather watch something we both enjoy. Right now, it is Too Hot To Handle Season 6. I also get to make girl dinner instead of an actual meal. Last night, that meant butter noodles; tonight, it’ll probably be a bag of popcorn. Luckily, I only have a 1.5-year-old at this point, so he is just as likely to eat granola bars and goldfish for dinner as he would be to eat a regular meal, so there’s no need to whip something up
Journaling
I did this a lot during the deployment. At the end of the day, I would write a brief description of how the day went and where I was emotionally. It was a good way to release all the emotions from the day so I could sleep on a clean slate. It was also a good metric for which days would be hardest in a separation in the future. I wasn’t very consistent at it, but I know it holds a lot of value for those who are.
Know the Neighbors
I’ve never actually lived on base before, but from what I’ve heard, neighbors are the lifeline for many families during a separation. The same can be true for living off-base, though. We were fortunate to have a military family next door during the deployment and have found a great community in our cul de sac at the new base. Having another pair of trustworthy eyes on the house is a good thing from a safety perspective. And it’s also nice to know that if there is an emergency, we’ve got someone to call on who can be at our house in minutes.
Everyone is going to find their own strategies to cope with a separation. Overall, the goal is not to freak ourselves out. We should learn and know our limits when it comes to things that settle us versus rile us up. I’m not a scary movie person, to begin with, but I don’t watch anything, even borderline, when my spouse is gone because I know it’s just a recipe for disaster. Make a plan and stick to it; I promise you’ll be ok. At the end of the day, whether it is a good or a bad night, we still end up one day closer to homecoming.