Happy Father’s Day
I hope yesterday was a great day for all the fathers out there. As promised, that Mother's Day post wasn't just for moms. In many ways, moms can struggle to chase their dreams while balancing the responsibilities of kids, but when it comes to military life, all non-serving parents face the same struggles. We all deal with separations. We all deal with solo parenting. And we all deal with plans changing on a dime. Our spouses are getting to chase their dream of military service, but it can often be hard for the member back home to pursue their dreams. So this Father's Day, let's talk about how the dads can find a way to chase their dreams while their spouses go serve.
I've been watching Army Wives recently (10/10 recommend if you like classic 2007 ABC Family dramas), and one of the "wives" is Roland because apparently, Army Spouses didn't have the same ring to it. But anyways, Roland is a highly-respected psychiatrist married to a female colonel in the Army. As the show progresses, we see Roland take on many different jobs, all within his field of expertise, trying to find a place where his passion for helping people connects with his life as an army spouse. He worked for the hospital on base for a while, only to find that place brings too many triggers of a hostage situation that he was part of (I told you it was very 2007 drama). He then tries working at a school, where he finds his hands tied by the bureaucratic restraints of working in a military institution. When his wife finds out she is pregnant, he is thrilled to enter fatherhood and becomes a stay-at-home dad, but that doesn't quite fulfill him either.
The breaking point comes when someone that he tutored in college is placed on the cover of Roland's alumni magazine. He shares with his friends that he is wrestling with the life he gave up to help his wife chase her dream. The burdens of parenthood and work become overwhelming when his wife deploys. And while all of this is a fictional drama, these are the real issues that military spouses face. We cannot expect the military to change. As much as they say, at least in our squadron, that family is a priority, we all know that the mission comes first.
It does not matter how strong our career is progressing; when the military says move, we move. When the military sends our spouses away, we are forced to balance the entirety of work and home, and unless we find the support we need, something usually has to give. So what do we do? If the military is not going to change, and we can't stop our spouses from chasing their dream (even if we theoretically can, we shouldn't because our spouses will be a shell of themselves without the ability to pursue what matters to them, and that's not the person that we fell in love with), what are some actions that we can take, during good times and bad, to make sure that our dreams don't get left behind.
It goes back to the keys of consistency that we talked about. We must be serious and committed to our dreams. That means taking responsibility for achieving them whether our spouses are home to help carry the household load or not. This means being able to ask for help, and while it has largely been stigmatized in the past for men to ask for help, I think there are plenty of people who would agree with me that in military life, we have to step up to help one another regardless of which spouse is serving.
This also means having backup plans aplenty. A while ago, I shared what happened with my trip to Denver. I had to cancel last minute because of my husband's potential deployment so that I could watch our son. While we have a phenomenal community in Oklahoma City, people either lived too far away for early morning drop-offs or were active duty/tied up with demanding medical work and in the same childcare boat that we were. We realized we didn't have anyone on hand that we would feel comfortable (and like we weren't putting them out) dropping Michael off with for more than a few hours.
We learned our lesson, and while we still don't have a solid babysitter in this location, we pivoted. I have a similar event coming up in Miami, so I am just bringing the baby. It's still a work conference, and my son is still not at a great age to sit through meetings, so I am flying down two of my closest friends to watch him. My husband was already set to be on a TDY during this time, which is why we put this plan in place, but his TDY is in flux right now due to bad weather at the location. But we decided that even if it gets canceled, Michael will still come with me so that we don't risk the Denver incident happening again.
I know, it kind of sucks. My husband would love that one-on-one time with our son. I don't like the added logistics of figuring out how to take care of my son on this trip. It meant coordinating flights for people to come down, changing hotels so we could have a crib, and a tremendous amount of packing. And I would really love the four-day weekend off of parenting that I was expecting. But this is my dream, and I have to take responsibility for it. And I know there will be unforgettable moments. It certainly won't all be bad. This will be both my son's and my first time in Miami. It'll be our second time going to a place that is entirely new to both of us. And my son will get to break out his sunglasses that he looks oh so fly in.
We get to decide what sacrifices are worth making. I decided that I did not want deployments and TDYs to hold my dreams hostage. If I did not have backup plans in place, they would be. I spent so much time before my husband's first deployment in a paralyzed state, terrified to lose a single minute with him. During that time, I missed out on a lot of things that were important to me, and I put a lot of things on hold. I decided that I didn't want to do that anymore, and my preparations (and intended follow-through) for Miami confirm that decision. Even if my husband's TDY gets canceled, Michael and I are going. It will suck to be apart, but I have to prioritize my dreams when I can.
We get to make that choice. Remember that if the tables were turned and the military was our dream, then our spouses would find ways to support us, no matter the cost. It would be our job to ensure the cost isn't too high. But on the other side, we need to commit to our dreams like our spouses have committed to the military. And we must prioritize our ability to chase them even if we take on the responsibility when the military interferes. I have not always been the most supportive of my husband's dream of military service, but I am working on that.
Supporting when we don't understand is the duty of a good spouse and parent. I'm sure you've seen your children through phases that you didn't quite understand, but you loved them nevertheless. We are in control of our dreams, and we get to roll with the punches that the military brings. Whether I understood his dream or not, when the military called, my husband answered. And I am grateful to have witnessed his courage in pursuing this dream regardless of where I was at with it. I hope you and I can do the same. When our dream calls, we answer and take the responsibility for making that dream work because we all deserve to see our dreams come true.