Happy (Hopefully) Valentine’s Day
I keep forgetting that today is Valentine’s Day. We’ve never made that big of a deal out of it, and I’m not even sure we’ve done gifts aside from our first year together. My husband usually gets me something, but he doesn’t really like presents, so I typically take today off. Sometimes, we go out to dinner, but for the past few years, we’ve planned trips to see friends for President’s Day weekend, so that’s primarily been our celebration. Plus, now that we have a one-year-old, hiring a sitter to go out to dinner and a movie after work just doesn’t feel all that worth it.
But all of this is true this year because my husband is home. He isn’t deployed or on a TDY. He’ll get home in time for dinner tonight. And that makes it easier for it to just be another Wednesday. If he was gone, I would likely feel different about today. It’s not that Valentine’s Day would feel more important with him gone. It’s just that I would be more aware of the empty space in my bed on a day when the rest of the world is celebrating their love.
I don’t actually think my husband has missed a Valentine’s Day during our five years together, but I’m very confident that day is coming. So, if you’re facing today alone, let’s talk about ways to celebrate and get through today because no matter how hard today is, we are one step closer to homecoming.
1. Have a Palentine’s Night
It’s unlikely that you are the only person in your area going solo tonight. For most deployments, a mass group of people leave the squadron, many of whom will leave behind spouses and significant others. They are all experiencing the same thing together, and misery loves company. It doesn’t have to be on the day itself, but having a get-together to celebrate the love you have and the hurt of being separated can do wonders for our spirits. This holiday is about love, and we can find that in community with one another as well as our partners.
2. Valentine’s Date with the kids
My dad got us little Valentine’s gifts growing up. It was simple things like a box of candy or a stuffed animal, but as a middle and high schooler who wouldn’t receive anything for the day, it helped me feel the love. Maybe you go out with the kids to a favorite restaurant or restaurant you can never go to with your partner because they hate sushi. We can work together to make cards for the deployed parent. Depending on the age of the kids, the deployed parent can involve them in surprising the one left behind with a Valentine’s treat.
3. Send a Valentine’s Day-themed Care Package
There are a lot of military spouse-owned companies that make designs for care packages. We can buy pre-cut designs for the box that say sweet Valentine’s sentiments. It can be a lot of fun to pick out little things to fill the box with. A good combination of necessary items, edible treats, and maybe a trinket or two is great. Remember that whatever we send out to our service members has to come back home or be disposable. My husband shipped back some stuff before coming home on deployment, but most of what I sent him was either food or things that could be left behind for the replacement crew.
4. Skype, Zoom, or FaceTime dates
If our spouses are available, we can make time for a video chat. This doesn’t have to be anything crazy or out of the ordinary, but if you want it to be, go all in. We can set up fancy dinners for ourselves and time it so that we are sharing a meal together. We can figure out long- distance games to play. Or we can talk about homecoming plans.
5. Treat yo’ self
Donna and Tom from Parks and Rec will always be in my head saying “Treat yo’ self.” Our spouses won’t always be able to send gifts, even if they are usually on top of gift-giving. While my husband was deployed, he lost access to Amazon for a while because they would only validate the account through text messages, which he couldn’t receive over Wi-Fi. He still found ways to send me gifts and flowers, but it also helped that he had a lot of downtime and steady Wi-Fi during the deployment. If your spouse is in a sketchy area, working long days, or just facing technology barriers, then we can find the time, space, and, hopefully, income to treat ourselves to the gifts that help us feel the love. If your spouse always sends flowers, then get some flowers. If your spouse finds the weirdest box of chocolates for you every year, then go on a quest to find the weird ones. And if your spouse just sucks at gifts, then get what you really want this year.
6. Pretend the holiday isn’t happening
Sometimes, this is easier than others. It may be as simple as staying home for the day or staying off of social media. Or it could mean delaying the holiday until our spouse comes home. Valentine’s Day may be happening on March 14th because that’s when your spouse will be there to celebrate. It’s not a big deal to let the day just slide in whatever way works for you, whether that means canceling it for the year, ignoring it completely, or planning a make-up celebration.
7. Sending cards
I was bigger on sending cards rather than care packages when my husband was deployed. I much preferred receiving cards from him, too. These can be cheaper to get and less time-demanding than care packages. There’s also a chance they will reach a deployed location faster than a package, although I wouldn’t count on that. Handwritten notes can mean a lot to people, and they are easy to pack up and take from place to place or back home.
8. Stock up on gifts for the future
I went a little crazy with Christmas the year my husband was deployed. He was gone for five months and got back ten days before Christmas. Generally, I am proactive about Christmas shopping and don’t usually wait until the last minute. So that meant every time I saw something that made me think of him during those five months, I grabbed it and put it under the tree. I definitely went overboard and wouldn’t recommend that strategy to everyone, but it may be a good idea to tease out the gift for when they get home. Sometimes, we have the perfect gift that doesn’t make sense to ship out to them; other times, they can’t order it for us until they return stateside. It’s another way to delay celebrations while still letting your partner know that you are thinking about them.
9. Get creative with the celebration
Valentine’s Day is not a strictly US holiday, which means there are a variety of ways to celebrate around the world. Most couples probably have their own traditions for the day, which may or may not translate to a Zoom date. If they don’t, maybe consider trying out something new, especially if your spouse is deployed to a location with its own Valentine’s traditions.
10. Surprise visit
Now, this obviously doesn’t work for everyone. If our service member isn’t in a “visitable” location or if their work schedule doesn’t allow anything, then I don’t recommend flying across the world. Sometimes, service members’ deployments end a little early so they can surprise us, but that’s also not something to plan for or count on. What can be done is surprising the partner at home with a visit from someone special like a parent, sibling, or friend.
Overall, you know yourself and your spouse. You know whether you want flowers or if they just feel like a reminder of death. You know whether a box of chocolates is the perfect gift or just a waste of money. You know how hard today is for you. If it’s not a big deal, then don’t make it a big deal just because the people around you might. And if it is a big deal, figure out the ways to celebrate that make everything feel alright. Valentine’s Day is about love, and while it is usually associated with romance, it doesn’t have to be. Find a way to feel the love today, and hopefully, you get the celebration you’ve dreamed of next year.