The Magic Of Firsts
I have discovered one of my favorite parts about being a military spouse: We get more “firsts” than the average person. There are the more obvious firsts, like that first kiss after a deployment, the first time living in a new state or country, and the first military ball (I still haven’t gotten this one). There are the not-so-fun firsts, like the first time we get stationed in the middle of nowhere, the first deployment, and the first time the stomach bug goes through the house during a TDY. But there’s also a lot of little first, which I want to talk about today.
Last night, we hosted our first Super Bowl party in Georgia. It was our first time having people over. It was the first time I went overboard with food in Georgia. Honestly, it was the first time we’ve thoroughly cleaned the downstairs. It was the first time I got to decorate the new house for a holiday since I finally got around to putting up Valentine’s Day decor. It was the first time my son had friends over. Last year may have been my son’s first Super Bowl, but this year was our first Super Bowl in Georgia. It was the first time my son saw his team win back-to-back Super Bowls. I think he’s a good luck charm since he’s 2-0 rooting for the Chiefs (next year, we make history).
Maybe it’s silly to celebrate every first. I know there’s a tendency to mock couples who celebrate the first moment at every step of a new relationship, from the first date to the first kiss to the first fight to the first make-up. But I think it makes life more fun. I’m not saying we need to celebrate the anniversary of the first time we got over a fight as a married couple (not that I could even guess that date for us), but I think it’s a good idea to make room for a little more celebrating in this life.
It’s the same reason I think dreams come in all shapes and sizes. The dream of learning how to make your favorite Starbucks drink at home is just as essential to our happiness as the dream of selling your first home as a real estate agent. We go through big firsts in life, but those don’t happen quite as frequently as the little firsts. I think we’ll find more joy if we start celebrating the little firsts.
At every duty station, there is our first home, first friend, and first event. We have our first trip to a new grocery store, our first time finding our new favorite coffee shop or restaurant, and our first trip to a new Home Goods. We have our first date night, our first time using a new babysitter, and our first time driving onto the new base. Going to the grocery store may not be the most fun activity, but we can keep more magic alive in our lives when we see the first of those things.
When we find ourselves in the grind, we have stopped living in the magic. It’s the magic that keeps us going when our dreams get hard. We can push through the tough times when we remember why we started. Same with our spouse’s dream of military service. My husband joined because it felt like the right thing to do, and he wanted to serve his country. When he signed that contract, everything felt so right. He was living in the magic of this decision. Remembering that helps through the long work days and times when he has to leave us when he really doesn’t want to.
So, let’s try to find the magic in the firsts that we are experiencing. Here’s the other piece to that first puzzle, though. This is our first rodeo. This may be my second PCS, but it’s the first one I did with a toddler. The next one will be the first one we do with a school-aged child or with two kids. We may be coming up on our first deployment, but it’ll be the first deployment where my husband leaves two of us behind instead of just one. It’ll be my first-time solo parenting for months. It’ll be our first time doing a short-distance deployment (hopefully). It’ll be my first time doing a deployment in Georgia.
I know that a lot of us would consider ourselves seasoned spouses. There isn’t a lot that we haven’t seen before. But I am also quite confident that this may be your first time in this scenario. Maybe we’ve been parents for 18 years who have gone through many PCSs, TDYs, and deployments, but I guarantee there is something about this one that we have not seen before. This means that we can cut ourselves a little slack. Sure, maybe we’re supposed to know everything by our second rodeo (it still feels like a very low number to me), but this is most definitely our first one in some way.
Every military spouse will tell you that the separations don’t get easier; we just get better coping skills. Each and every separation and PCS is different. The timing, relationship status, and location greatly influence how well we survive and thrive through something. Someone fighting with their spouse a lot will go through a TDY much differently than someone who feels like their relationship has never been stronger. Someone with an eight-year-old will experience the deployment entirely differently than someone with twin two-year-olds. And someone who is getting assigned to the middle of nowhere that also happens to be two hours from their family will experience the change differently than someone moving across the country to a city they’ve never even thought about visiting.
Our job, all day and every day, is to keep our dreams alive in whatever way we can. For those times when we can’t work fiercely on them, we can keep the fire alive by staying in the magic. It’s easier to believe in our dreams when life already feels magical. That can start by finding the firsts around us and, more than anything, cutting ourselves some slack on the hard days because, after all, this may very well be our first time.