The Room We Want To Be In
The beginning of the AJR concert started with the same vibe as how the movie Now You See Me (one of my favorites, and apparently they are making a third, so that is super exciting) ends. It began with a monologue on the screen flashing different images of the places they were describing. I’m going to share the speech because it was so great, but I am editing a few parts out purely because it had visuals that made the words make sense. I’m not trying to type out an intro to the show, and maybe this will help not spoil too much for anyone choosing to attend at a later date.
“If you could snap your fingers and go anywhere, anywhere at all, where would you go?
Would you go to the bottom of the sea where none of your problems could find you?
Or would you go back to that first snowfall from when you were a kid? The one that doesn’t
quite feel the same now that you’re all grown up.
Would you face your worst fear?
Or maybe you’d go to that party you were never invited to?
Would you go to the future?
Or would you go back to before you were born?
Maybe you’d go here or here or here or maybe here or here?
Maybe you’d go here, or would you rather be standing in the Spectrum Center right now
surrounded by thousands of people who, for once, like all the same shit you do? Well, alright
then, let’s go there.”
It was phenomenal, and I’m so glad I was recording it at the beginning so that I can remember the whole thing. I went straight from that concert into an insurance conference where I was once again in a room with thousands of people who like the same stuff I do. We need more rooms like that.
I think the military community especially needs more rooms like that. Since we are constantly uprooted from the places we’ve grown to love or hate, we often find ourselves being the only person standing in the metaphorical room. And that really shouldn’t happen as much as it does because we know that there are hundreds to thousands of military spouses just like ourselves at that very base.
We’ve been in Georgia for four months now. Last night, we hosted a Passover Seder with five close friends we’ve made in this short time. I was the only Jewish person at the table. This was a tradition and celebration purely with my interests in mind. But we had met some incredible people who wanted to be part of a tradition that means so much to me. In Oklahoma, it took four years to get that experience.
There are a lot of factors that went into our PCS to Oklahoma being so tricky. We were newly married, newly living together, starting new jobs. I’d never been that far from family before, and COVID hit three months after we moved. That first year, we felt very isolated. Any friendships budding before lockdown were quickly squelched, and we didn’t have the connections to build something new. It took my husband’s deployment 1.5 years in for us to really solidify and form friendships.
Most of us don’t need to be in a room with thousands of people who like the same stuff we do. A solid room for five or six is probably enough for many of us. In military life, though, the question becomes, how quickly can I find those five or six people? We all know that military friendships have an expiration date on them.
That’s not to say that we can’t maintain these relationships once we have PCS’d to other places. We most certainly can. But I know that phone friendships aren’t always enough to sustain us. We need someone within driving distance who can meet us for whatever need we have. Zoom was terrific when it was the only option, but I know more and more people who are getting burned out from exclusively using it to communicate.
There is power in sitting elbow-to-elbow with someone. And our hope is always that those Zoom friendships will eventually become in-person again. The military is a small world. The longer you are in, the more you will see that. I am not saying we should start burning bridges just because someone moved out of our duty station. It’s the same with social media. I’ve met some fantastic military spouses who are chasing dreams just like me. I love seeing their comments on my successes and doing the same for them. I haven’t met most of them in person, though. And I know spending more time on Instagram is not the solution to feelings of loneliness.
As cool as it is to be in a room with thousands of people who like the same indescribable style of music that I do (primarily indescribable because I don’t really understand how to classify genres, and I know they are quirky band), I would much rather be in the room I was in last night. I was surrounded by people who didn’t know anything about the thing I liked, and yet they were fully present and involved in bringing a tradition to life. They showed up for something that only mattered to me, and I will certainly be doing the same for them sometime soon.
I’d love to give you a checklist to help you find this room at your base, but I don’t think there is one. I think the best formula for success we can get is to be brave and say yes. We have to be brave and introduce ourselves to one another. We have to be brave by showing up for events where we know absolutely no one. We have to be brave to invite people into the things we love. And then, we also have to say yes by welcoming introductions, acknowledging the newcomers, and committing to the things other people love.
I would never traditionally say yes to things like racquetball or rock climbing. Those are not activities that would top my weekend to-do list. But I love being around people who want me around. I love being invited to things. And maybe I’ll find something I actually really enjoy that I wouldn’t have tried otherwise. We put ourselves out there more coming to Georgia, and it has paid off, but one success story is not a foolproof formula. We’ll find out in three years when we do it all over again, and if we can’t, we’ll keep trying because that room is worth finding.