There Are Still Bad Days
On Monday, we will talk about part two of the characteristics of dreamers. Today, I wanted to be vulnerable. That's a big reason why I am writing on this blog. As much as I want to help everyone reading to discover and achieve their dreams, I am writing for myself. Life as a military family is tough, and while I have learned to cope much better than I did three years ago, I still have bad days.
Last week I had one of those days. I want this to be a place of confession and a space where I can remind myself of the hope and joy of military life. I also want to remind everyone that we are not alone when the bad days come. I know every military spouse has experienced a bad day caused by the needs of whatever branch their family serves in.
Writing has become a venting space for me. While I won't share the original version I wrote the day of this incident (it has significantly more swearing than I would prefer to publish), I will share what happened, how I felt, and how we eventually fixed it. I know, for me personally, it helps to have both the emotional and toned-down version of a story to refer back to when the next thing happens. I can get all my emotions out onto the page and then release the issue. I know we all face these terrible days, so I would love to hear what methods you use to de-escalate these situations for yourself. It is so easy to spiral out of control. I know we could all use more strategies to work through the hard days.
Anyways, here's what happened. I am supposed to attend a conference in Denver this month, which will have me away for five days. It is the first event of its kind for me, and I was really looking forward to 4 nights alone in a fancy hotel room with the added benefit of getting to travel and only needing to focus on work. These dates were set back in January. My husband and I knew that we would have to figure out a plan for our son since there was potential for my husband to be deployed during that time, and Michael would be too old to sit through this conference as we had done before.
My husband didn't deploy, though (Hooray!), so he would be able to keep our son. Luckily, his commander has encouraged bringing kids to work if need be, and my conference primary falls over the weekend, so it was only two work days that he would have Michael at the squadron. All my husband had to do was not sign up for a flight or a sim on those two days, which he was able to do. This plan was working out great, so of course, the Air Force threw a curve ball into it.
They scheduled him for CATM (combat arms training and maintenance) first thing in the morning on the day I was supposed to return. Bringing an infant to a gun range just wasn't an option, but because it is a deployment requirement, there was no way for my husband to reschedule. My flight doesn't return until 4 p.m., which left us with two options: fly back the night before and miss some of the sessions or leave our son with a non-family babysitter for the first time
At that moment, I was angry and frustrated. I could feel the walls closing in, thinking about how easily the Air Force could rip something away from me. In any other context, I would have likely had to come home from the event early. I would have missed a day of the training that I was so excited to attend, knowing full well that if the tables were turned, my husband would get to stay for the entire thing because the Air Force demanded it. I could feel hopelessness creeping in that I should just give up on all of my dreams until my husband retires. Unfortunately, my brain tries to jump to that conclusion anytime the military interferes. I was angry that a plan that had been in effect for months was suddenly falling apart. I was upset that when it came to a work event, I was the one who had to compromise. I knew that if the roles were reversed, coming home early would not even be considered as an option for my husband. I was frustrated that the first time I would leave my son with someone non-family was when I was backed into a corner to do it.
So I wrote a very angry letter detailing the events and my feelings, and then we resolved the situation. Thankfully, we have built an incredible community out here, and one of our friends volunteered to watch Michael at the squadron while my husband completes the training. It all worked out, which is great, but I still feel angry about the situation. As I write this, they are much duller, but they are still there because I know situations like this will happen again and they may not work out next time.
That's the frustrating part about chasing our dreams in this life. In so many ways, when it is our dream versus our spouse's, we have to bend to theirs. We have to make compromises, and even when everything works out, we have to carry the mental load of being prepared to pick up the slack if it doesn't. There is a lot that I don't love about life in the military. Even though the military caused this hiccup, it also solved the problem because it was only through this community that we met people who could help.
I just wanted to share that finding your dreams, having clarity and working on achieving them doesn't take away the burden of military life. Dreams will help us find joy in this life. In some ways, they will make this life hurt more because there will be days of compromise, rescheduling and cancellation. But, like I already told you, dreaming is dangerous. We accept the heartache when we accept the dream.
I just want you to know that you aren't alone. The bad days come, and they will always come. Life as a military spouse means we don't always get to control the outcome, and even if we know that we wouldn't have control in a civilian job, it is frustrating and easy to blame a factor outside of ourselves when things go wrong. There are things my husband and I could have done to prevent this specific situation from happening, but my husband could have just as easily been deployed and I would still be figuring this out.
Today is a reminder that the bad days come. We will make it through the next one just like we made it through the last one. It sucks, and I get it. The military can cause so much tension and disappointment in our lives. But that doesn't mean we get to stop. Dreams are still worth fighting for, and just because we have to chart a new path again doesn't mean the journey is over. I can take one more step forward, and I hope you will too.
What was the last plan the military screwed up for you? Even if it all worked out in the end, the constant changes can wear on us, and I know we all need someone to vent to and a reminder that we aren't alone, so share your story here and we can all say, “That sucks, I'm sorry, let's keep marching on to find a way to make our dreams come true."
