What Do We Do When We Don’t Know What Is Coming Next
I had another post planned for today, and I have gone back and forth on writing this one. I know many of us have seen the news. We’ve been monitoring what is happening in Israel and are holding our breath to find out what will happen next. This will not be a political post. I certainly have biases from being raised half-Jewish and remaining very much in touch with those roots. I am not informed enough about this conflict to put forth any sort of statement. I choose to be uninformed for my mental health because attacks on our country’s allies very much mean that our service members are at risk of going into some dangerous spaces.
There are many spouses out there who have never been through a deployment. There are many spouses who, like me, have been through deployments during relatively peaceful times. During my husband’s deployment, our struggle was being apart much more than worrying about whether he would return home. There are many spouses who feel this conflict is all too familiar and are preparing for life back in the trenches.
I don’t know where you’re at. But I know where I am. I am feeling anxious and fearful about this situation. I am grateful that my husband’s squadron just passed the deployment baton, but I am also very aware that that means someone else’s spouse just took hold of it. In fact, I am very close to someone who will be going through their first deployment since her husband just entered the deployment stage as mine exited it. I am also aware that we are preparing to PCS to a base with a very active deployment cycle where my husband will be the new kid on the block, who also hasn’t deployed in two years. After some brief training, I imagine he will be among the first ones out the door.
For this season of doubt, I wanted to share a letter I wrote myself about a year before Jacob deployed. When I feel strong and inspired, I write letters to read in my weaker moments. This one was titled “For When Jacob Is Deploying.” Fair warning: I get a little preachy with myself, and I would write a different letter today after going through what I’ve experienced, and maybe I will do that. But this is the uncut version of me preparing for a deployment that I knew would be coming one day. (We didn’t even have a date at this point. In fact, my husband may not have been assigned to a squadron yet.) This was me, six months into marriage, feeling strong enough to encourage future Sarah for what I knew would be one of the hardest things to go through.
Dear Sarah,
I know this time is unimaginably hard, but I know you are strong enough. I know you can handle this. Go get the rock that says, “remember,” and hold it in your hand. Remember your dreams about Jacob, everything you wanted in a marriage, everything you wanted it to bring out in you. Jacob has been your dream for an incredibly long time.
God has given you your dream, and it is beautiful and amazing. But now, He’s asking for it back. I know that’s incredibly hard to do. I know you’re scared. I know you’re worried. I know you think you can’t do this. But I promise you can. Remember every answer you’ve received. Remember every gift God has given you. He’s given you your dream. Trust him with it. He has always kept his promises. He has always been by your side, even when you couldn’t see him.
Choose God, trust God, and give Jacob back. God needs Jacob. He has called him to serve. This is a moment of surrender for you. This is a time for you to truly see who God is and who He is calling you to be. Remember Belle’s words, “Girl, you are purposely designed by God to be Jacob’s partner. God has called you to it, and He will sustain you every step of the way. Your relationship with God will grow as He grows you into a woman others will look to when they walk the very road you are walking. It will not be easy, but it will always be worth it.”
Remember Ordinary’s words in The Dream Giver, “I am surrendering my dream to you, Dream Giver. I’ve decided that it’s you that I can’t go on without.” Remember the Dream Giver’s words back to Ordinary, “Ordinary, I am giving you back your dream. Now you can use it to serve me. Now, you can achieve truly great things. And I am always with you.” Sarah, you weren’t created to know the future; you were created with faith. Faith is complete trust or confidence in someone or something. This faith is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors and set them above the crowd.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and protector of faith. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart (Hebrews 12:1-3). “For God did not give you a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline (2 Timothy 1:7).”
Sarah, I know how strong you are. I know how powerful you are. I know the breakthrough coming towards you. I know Jacob is your dream. Give him back. You can do this. God’s got you. He’s given you so much, and He’s always kept His promises. I know this is a massive trial you are going into, but remember to “consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work in you so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-4).” The results of this will be massive. God has promised you so much more. Let Him give it to you. Let Him grow you, and let Him have your dream so you can do much more good with it. You’ve done this before; borrow the faith from me now; borrow the faith from Sarah back in February of 2019. Borrow whatever faith it takes to do this because you can do this. You have to do this. Jacob needs you to do this. God needs you to do this. Go kick some ass. I’m proud of you.
Love,
Sarah
April 2020