What do we do with our dreams when we know a deployment is coming

We talked on Monday about how no-notice deployments affect our dreams. While this may be more common for the military in general and your spouse’s specific career field, another type of deployment remains. I don’t really have or know of a pithy nickname for this type, but it is one where we get extended notice that our spouse is leaving. We may learn almost a year in advance like I did for my husband’s first deployment, or we may get a few months to prepare. Either way, we have significantly more time to stew on our emotions about the upcoming deployment.

I’ve shared how I did not handle that advanced notice very well before. I had a countdown clock constantly going in my head about how many days I had left with my husband. I couldn’t turn it off, and eventually, I hit a point where I couldn’t go anywhere if it meant encroaching on my remaining time with him. I don’t recommend this reaction, but it might be more common when we get an ample warning. Every night, laying on the couch watching a movie is a reminder of what they will miss. Every holiday is a reminder that they won’t be here for the next one. Every milestone reminds us that we will return to an empty house to celebrate.

I didn’t pull myself out of that funk before the first deployment. And I have not had another chance to practice again. But today, I want to remind myself how to chase dreams during that time. Our dreams mean a shift in priorities and often require more time away from home than we have had in the past. We may have a day job to report to, classes to study for or writing that we must isolate ourselves to finish. An upcoming deployment leaves us with some options for our dreams, and we get to decide what is best for our family.

1. We can slow down

We made the plan for our dreams. We are the ones sticking to that plan. And we are the ones who will ALWAYS DELIVER on it. Because we are in charge of those things, we get to decide if we want to cut back. This may mean spending less time on a dream, cutting back financially on what we have been investing or spreading our plan out a bit so that we make the same progress but at a slower pace.

This is also a time we can use to figure out how to maintain our dream during a deployment. We can start looking for daycares or nannies if that requires child care. We can begin budgeting so that it isn’t as much of a stretch when the time comes. We know the increased responsibilities that will be ours to handle when a deployment comes. This allows us the chance to set ourselves up for success when that time comes. We have time to find someone to do the yard work or clean the house if we want and can budget for that. We have time to set boundaries with family and friends. We can plan travel and school schedules; overall, just anything we know will help us survive. All of that can be done ahead of time, which may mean spending less time on our dream today, but it will create a consistent pace we can maintain throughout the deployment.

2. We can shift focus

We have many dreams. Most of the time, we prioritize one dream over all the others, but that doesn’t make those other dreams any less important. Focused continued effort is the best way to achieve a dream, and that usually works best one at a time. We have those other dreams, though, because a time will come when an opportunity for another dream pops up. We have to know what those other dreams are to take advantage of them.

We have dreams across all areas of our lives, and family is a significant aspect that holds a lot of dreams for many of us. I know my husband and I have trips that we want to take. We have milestones we want to watch our son achieve. We have so many things that we want to do together. Having significant notice on a deployment means we may shift focus to one of our more family-oriented dreams.

My husband and I never went on a honeymoon. He graduated from tech school, left for SERE and we PCS’d to Oklahoma within the first few months of marriage. The plan had always been to take a big trip, but a few months later, COVID shut everything down. So, we had yet to take our “honeymoon.” With the advanced notice of the deployment, though, we could prioritize that trip. And although I would have preferred to go to another country, we still managed to get a fancy vacation together. Hawaii was beautiful, and it was a dream come true to go with my husband. If the time and money allow, I would highly recommend pursuing those family-oriented goals.

3. We can keep pace

If my husband got deployment orders today, this is likely the option I would choose. The way I’m currently working on my writing dream really doesn’t take much time. I spend a few hours a week working, less than I would spend at a part-time job. This is also a pace that I would be able to manage during a deployment. Most of the writing that I do is done while watching my son. I may have to hire a babysitter every once in a while to get some focused work done, but I would usually be able to manage.

This may also be the right choice if we are very close to achieving a dream or have some constraint to our dream that is outside our control. For example, if I currently had a book deal, I would have deadlines that I would have to meet. Maybe I would have an understanding editor who could give me a few days or weeks to flex with the deployment, but it is unlikely that a publishing company would be willing or able to change the timeline very much.

I have talked to a lot of military spouses whose husbands deployed frequently. I have been lucky enough that we have only done one deployment so far, but I have friends whose husbands would only be home for a few months at a time before heading out again. They all said something to me along the lines of, “I realized I needed to keep living my life regardless of whether he was home or not.” For them, this meant continuing to see friends and keep plans even when their spouse came home. It also meant continuing to live life when their spouses were gone. (For context, two of the women I am thinking of had husbands in special ops careers where it was a genuine possibility that their spouse would not return from deployment). As hard as it is for our spouses to leave, we have to continue living life, and sometimes that means acting like nothing has changed regarding our dreams. Of course, everything changes, and those feelings about a deployment don’t happen in a vacuum, but we can ensure we continue to show up for our dreams like before.

4. We can stop altogether

This is what I chose for the last deployment. It is the strategy that I least recommend because all it did was make me feel lost. It created a world that revolved solely around my husband rather than around me (maybe not the best analogy, but I think you get what I’m saying). Instead of thinking about what I wanted and how to support my hopes and dreams, I was solely thinking about what would give me time next to my husband. But I wasn’t any happier doing that. I didn’t get more out of my marriage by doing that, and I became less of myself because I was no longer pursuing my passions. I missed out on some things that were very important to me during that time because it would have meant time away from my husband. If taking time off from your dreams fills you up, then do it (although you may want to reevaluate those dreams because our dreams should be life-giving, not taking). But I know that stopping my dreams put me in a suffocating bubble, and even though I did get to spend more time with my husband, I wasn’t better or happier for it.

We have a lot of options when we find out about a deployment ahead of time. We have a lot of decisions to make, and we also open a lot of choices for ourselves (two different things, even if they sound similar). We must decide what is best for our marriage, family and dreams. It may be a combination of things. I know I said I would maintain my current dream plan, but my husband and I also have other big dreams coming true in the coming months (hopefully) that likely wouldn’t be affected by far-out deployment orders. We are planning our first international trip by going to Ireland, and we will be taking our son out of the country for the first time as well (his passport came in the mail today, and it is the cutest thing ever). Those dreams would stay on track, and my writing dream would too. We might make time for new dreams together or slow down on other things that we have planned to do. It is easy to get caught up in a countdown, especially when that number starts out pretty big. Still, we need to make an effort to prioritize our dreams in whatever way we can because, at the end of the day, time will pass regardless, and we have the chance to be one step closer to a dream come true.