What do you want your reunion to look like
I want to share two homecoming stories to reiterate why Monday's post was so important. I will pull these examples directly from season five of Army Wives because I think these stories encapsulate everything I discussed in a best versus worst-case scenario. I'm keeping this in the fictional world to protect the anonymity of people who would certainly relate to one story more than the other. So, let's compare the reunion of Claudia Joy and Michael to Roxy and Trevor. I will try to keep it to just these four names to ease confusion for anyone who hasn't seen the show, so hopefully, all this makes sense even though other characters are involved. That being said, you should definitely watch the show. I feel like it should be required material for every military spouse because it tackles so many real-world issues, albeit in a very dramatic way.
When Claudia Joy gets the "I'm coming home call," she says it's the best news she's heard all day (for context, she was cleared of cancer earlier in the day, which is pretty good news in itself). She meets Michael at the airstrip with a loving embrace. Before heading home, he shares a few quick words with his troops since he is the base commander. Claudia Joy has all his favorites cooked. He says, "Dinner can wait," and then whisks her upstairs for their long-awaited reunion.
In contrast, when Roxy gets the "I'm coming home call," she says, “I'm screwed.” Over the deployment, she purchased a truck stop without Trevor's approval (I did a post previously on how he was a dream crusher) and then hired one of her son's dads to do the construction work since he was willing to do it at a discounted rate. This man had not been in his son's life since he was conceived and was more of an old friend to Roxy than anything else. That being said, Roxy had not told Trevor that this man was still hanging around and working closely with her. Their reunion at the airstrip is very tense. That tension quickly turns into fighting, with Trevor spending the night on the couch, getting in a bar fight, and staying with a buddy for a few days.
Throughout the show, we see that the relationship between Claudia Joy and Michael is solid. Whenever someone or something comes to "attack" their family, they end up closer than before rather than being torn apart. However, a good marriage is not all it takes for a good reunion. This was certainly not their first deployment rodeo, but so much of what made this reunion great and the other terrible one came down to their communication.
Over the deployment, Roxy did not tell Trevor who was doing her construction work. In her defense, the one time we see her try to tell him, he immediately flips out about the fact that she bought the truck stop in the first place. Their communication took a nosedive from there. Every problem that Roxy was dealing with back home, like her son stealing from the PX, came full circle to hurt Trevor in the field. Every conversation started with an accusation and ended with a hang-up from both ends.
During the deployment, there is a loss. One of the women in Claudia Joy and Roxy's friend group loses her son. He was under Trevor's command out in the field, and Trevor was there during his last breaths. This death hit hard on both the homefront and the battlefield. Claudia Joy and Michael were best friends with this family. Their daughters had grown up with the son. Claudia Joy and Michael grieve together when they can talk and separately when they can't.
Roxy and Trevor spend very little time talking about it. Trevor internalizes the loss and certainly blames himself for not doing enough. He chooses to stay in the field to support his men through the loss rather than accompanying the body home to grieve with his family. In his defense, the boy's father was also deployed, so he flew back home, but Trevor stayed away from his family's grief because he couldn't handle it on top of his own. After this incident, Roxy buys the truck stop because, to cope with her grief, she begins to plan for a life and income if Trevor doesn't come home. However, this coping strategy became so intense that she ultimately didn't think Trevor would come home, which certainly didn't help her put more effort into their marriage.
Communication is vital in our relationships, especially during high-stress situations. When I get stressed, I tend to shut down. I internalize everything that overwhelms me, fixate on it and snap at anyone who gets in my way, even if they are trying to help. It isn't until my husband forces me to sit down and talk about it that I can vocalize everything wrong, and we can come to a solution. That situation could quickly go the other way, though. My husband could respond to me snapping at him with more attitude, and we would just end up in a negative spiral.
It's not that Claudia Joy and Michael didn't have problems over the deployment. Michael was the commander in the field, which led to limited time for them to talk and a lot of stress. They both fought off advances from someone outside their marriage (which is undoubtedly another conversation in itself, but I think they both handled their respective situations well). They just talked through the issues. They didn't keep secrets (at least not very long). When mistakes were made, like Michael forgetting the correct date of Claudia Joy's law school graduation, they quickly accepted responsibility, apologized and made it right in whatever way was best for that scenario.
Time isn't super clear in the show, but shortly after their return from the deployment, whether that was a few days or a few weeks, Trevor and Roxy actually start communicating. He shares the pain of the deployment. She shares her fear of loss. They realize how those feelings have affected their choices and work to move forward together. I'm not saying that any of this hurt could have been avoided. Their reunion may never have been perfect in light of everything that happened over the deployment. But I do know that it wouldn't have been nearly as awful. They would have met the reunion with nervousness rather than fear.
Everyone has an idea of what their perfect reunion looks like. It may not match Claudia Joy and Michael's version. I'm pretty sure it doesn't fit Trevor and Roxy's. But maybe this gives us an idea of what perfect looks like in our marriages. Then, we can go back to Monday's post and communicate those expectations with our partner so that homecoming day really is a dream come true.