What Military Spouse Appreciation Day and Mother’s Day have in Common
Over the weekend, our country celebrated both Military Spouse Appreciation Day and Mother's Day. My heart goes out to everyone who spent those days without their partners since Murphy seems to ensure they miss every holiday celebrating us. I think these two holidays have a lot of similarities. That is not to say that the term military spouse only applies to women. I just mean that the things people look for in celebration of the day often don't compare to that individual's needs on a day-in, day-out basis.
Now, I don't personally know anyone who celebrates military spouse appreciation day to the same level that anyone does on Mother or Father's Day. Still, there's no shame if you do. I think it reflects the conversation we see on social media more often surrounding Mother's Day. It's this idea that we will celebrate rather than actually support. I know many couples genuinely act as equal partners in marriage, parenting, and running a household. But it doesn't take long on Instagram to see that many more don't.
There were a number of women who were responsible for planning their Mother's Day celebrations. There were women who shouldered the responsibility of celebrating both their moms and their spouses' moms. There were women who received junky gifts that would end up in the goodwill pile or spend years in a closet because no one bothered to find out what they actually wanted. And there were women treated like queens for the day only to find out they would be responsible for cleaning everything up the following morning.
This post isn't about sharing the mental load, although I could write plenty on that topic alone. Instead, it is more about the military's tendency to put a bandaid over a wound that needs surgical attention. A wound that they are continuing to inflict.
Ask a mom what they truly want for Mother's Day, and you will get a variety of answers like a full night's sleep, a new pair of tennis shoes with the time to workout, or someone/something to carry the load of meal planning, prepping, and cleaning every morning, afternoon, and night. Everyone had different needs that they want met at this point. A day that celebrates everything a mother does should include those things. However, those things should not be limited to one day a year when people think about the sacrifices that a mother makes.
In the same vein, military spouses are facing a mounting number of issues. And as we move to a more equitable and expensive society, those voices become far more prominent in our service members' lives than they might have been 50 years ago. That shift, which is very good, I might add, has been listed as one of the greatest threats to our all-volunteer military because the military has not adapted to this dynamic.
We don't need discounts, coupons, or free samples for Military Spouse Appreciation Day. We need fundamental changes in how the military handles and supports the family unit. My husband is in an understaffed field that almost exclusively works with a dying platform. He was fortunate to get moved into a version of the job that doesn't require flying, which is more sustainable and stable. And he's also fortunate that that is something he actually wanted. We had a lot of friends get stuck on a plane that rarely takes off, and we've had a lot of friends get moved off the plane when the biggest thing they wanted to do was fly.
I understand there are significant technology gaps and a lot of money at play as to why this is happening the way it is today. I don't understand the full scope, and frankly, it doesn't matter for the point of this conversation. What matters here is that the sum result of this situation is an understaffed career field, where the majority of its people will be calling it quits when their contract is up.
We have met a lot of people through my husband's role, and it is rare to meet someone who is still planning to stay in for a full twenty after a few years in this position. I can't speak military- or even Air Force-wide, but I can speak for the three squadrons I've interacted with most. People are burnt out at work, and they come home to spouses who are burnt out from the consequences of military life.
Military life is so all-encompassing that it does not work if you are not all in. Of course, our servicemembers are "all in" because they don't have any other options. They have to fulfill the length of their contract whether they want to or not. But it is harder for me to handle the frustrations of military life when my spouse is miserable at work. It's just not worth it, and if that time happens for a couple at the end of a contract, we can be pretty confident that they will be moving on to greener pastures.
We don't need an appreciation day. I know some of us love a day where we are the center of attention, and if that's you, I hope your family celebrates to the fullest. But that's not the solution. We need real changes to make this life tenable for the long term, and we need even bigger changes to make this lifestyle a place where people and families can thrive at their fullest potential. Being in the military means sacrifices, but like everything else in our lives, the sacrifices must be made to serve a greater goal. Military Spouse Appreciation Day may have been created to build camaraderie for that mission, but it failed to generate viable solutions. So, let's talk on Friday about what military spouses really want from their appreciation day.