5 Stages of A Deployment
When we talk about the stages of deployment, there are two different cycles. The first is a more militarily recognized cycle, and the other is the more emotional one. Both are important to understand, and we have to navigate chasing our dreams differently depending on what stage we are in. First, we will address the military cycle of deployment. While I will primarily be using the word deployment, this applies to all separations.
Sure, the three-day TDY down to Dallas probably won't lead to the same set of issues. But a six-week TDY, a six-month deployment, and a 16-month hardship tour can go through every stage. Every separation is different; people often find that the hardest ones aren't the longest ones. It doesn't matter how long a separation is if the service member misses a significant event or the family back home is really struggling. We may avoid this cycle altogether, or we may skip steps, but we need to know everything we could go through so that we can support one another and support our fellow spouses that are left behind as well. So here are the five stages of deployment:
1. Pre-deployment
This stage begins as soon as our service members get their orders to deploy. For some, that means pre-deployment lasts a year. For others, it may only be a few days. We struggle with the anticipation of our spouses leaving, and some people undergo a period of denial. Denial usually happens with a longer warning window. Regardless, every spouse ends up on the acceptance side, worried and prepared about for the loss.
As the deployment date approaches, we often see longer work days and intense training followed by lots of paperwork. I was fortunate that we were in the middle of Covid for my husband's first deployment. This meant he had to quarantine at home for a week before leaving. Had that not been the case, he would have been at work the day before heading out.
There is a lot to discuss in this phase, and most of it isn't fun. We have to discuss power of attorney, wills, funeral wishes, and a slew of issues about caring for life on the homefront. These can all be challenging and frustrating conversations, but they must be had. And deployments do run a lot smoother when we have as much of this stuff in order beforehand as we can.
Some couples build up walls between themselves before the departure date. Some people bury themselves in to-do lists. Some people mentally check out. Some couples fight. It is a stressful time, and tensions build. Being prepared for these warning signs can make it easier to address if they happen in your marriage. But I promise, it isn't always like that. The time before separation will always be hard, but it doesn't always mean that we have to feel distant from our spouses.
2. Deployment
I actually didn't know that we are only considered to be in this stage for the first month of deployment. Obviously, the entire separation is a deployment, but from a military perspective, this is just the first month. I think it's a foolish distinction, and honestly, we can't put any sort of timetable on each stage because every person and couple will progress at different speeds.
During this time, we deal with a wide variety of emotions. We can feel devastated, sad, and alone. We can also feel relief because once the countdown starts, the only thing left is for them to come back home. But we can also feel guilty for feeling relieved that our spouse is gone. It can be hard to allow ourselves to feel any emotion that isn't usually considered negative. The first time feeling joy and happiness during deployment can bring on those same feelings of guilt.
We can also feel disoriented and overwhelmed by everything that has suddenly become our responsibility. Now we have to make sure that the trash cans get to the curb before the truck comes down the street. We have to remember if recycling gets picked up this week or next week. We have to cook dinner, do the dishes, and manage the kids all at the same time. Things that used to be done tag-team are now single-handedly done by us. And things that were not our responsibility before have become ours to manage.
A lack of sleep also characterizes this stage. I know some of us prefer to sleep alone, but no matter how much we enjoy it, having that empty space next to us can be really hard to get used to. Personally, I fill my bed to the brim with stuffed animals so that it is harder to notice my husband is missing. We can also feel more insecure around safety issues. I triple-check the locks before heading to bed when my husband is gone. I am far more cautious when I leave the house. And I have a higher anxiety response to every creak and groan that I hear. Eventually, all this fades, but we have to give ourselves grace and manage everything the best we can until a new normal settles in.
3. Sustainment
This is characterized as the time from the end of the first month of deployment until the end. As I said before, I don't think it's healthy to put a timetable on when you will reach this stage. Eventually, we will all get there, but pressuring ourselves to be ready before we actually are will only set us back further.
This is the time when the new normal sets in. New family routines are established. We have found the help that we need. We feel more settled and in control of our day-to-day life. Murphy's law will still come in and knock us off course, but it will take us much less time to bounce back. We start to feel a sense of independence and pride in how we are managing life. I had never lived alone before my husband's first deployment, and that felt like a significant accomplishment for me. This is the time when we start thriving. Life may not be any easier, but we are handling it better.
4. Redeployment
I don't know how often this term is actually used. The first time I heard it was watching Army Wives. So this wasn't a time that I specifically knew I was in during the deployment. Redeployment is considered the month before a service member is scheduled to return home. Now, unfortunately, the operative word in that sentence is scheduled.
Deployments get extended all the time. It may only be a few days, or it could be a few months. If your spouse flies on a plane that isn't doing as hot as it once did, it may be extended due to ongoing mechanical issues. On my husband's last TDY, he was extended an extra two weeks due to plane issues until whoever was the decision maker realized that it would be more expensive to keep the airman in that area for that extra time than to book them commercial flights home. In that instance, he came home a few days earlier than planned. But on the inverse, my husband was delayed a week coming home from his first deployment.
This is an exciting time. We get to plan the homecoming day and decide how we want to spend the R&R time they should get. We can experience a "nesting" energy where we try to get everything in the house just perfect. It's also completely normal to feel nervous and unsure about what will happen. Day of changes can be incredibly stressful and disappointing, even if they only push the homecoming by a few hours. Whether it is your first homecoming or you are a seasoned pro, all these same emotions can come flooding back every time.
5. Post-deployment
This is the time of reunion (yay) and reintegration. Take each one at the speed that both you and your spouse are comfortable with. Some couples pick up right where they left off. Other couples have to take a minute to figure out how to connect in person again. Trust each other, have patience, and communicate during this time.
Reintegration can be a smooth or rough process. Much of that depends on how well we communicate, divvy up roles, and the circumstances of the separation. If the separation was really long, happened at a peak time of change during home life, or was really rough, then reintegration can be a lot harder. This period typically lasts three to six months after the service member returns.
We will have to manage to reincorporate one another into our routines while making room for the alone time that we may need. The family may go into a honeymoon period right after their spouse gets home and smoothly settle into a routine. If there are struggles, though, talk to someone sooner rather than later. Maybe we just need a friend to give advice, or we may need something more professional or medical. We learned to seek help when we needed it during the deployment, don't lose that skill when it ends.
For every separation, we will go through this cycle. Sometimes we will stay on a stage longer than others. Sometimes we will skip steps altogether. And sometimes, the separation will be so short that we don't even need to worry about it. But it is essential to know each stage because when we can recognize where we are, we can take steps to move beyond that stage and give ourselves grace for where we are. If we happen to be moving through these stages with ease, then we can help other spouses who are struggling. The first step will always be to identify where we are because then, and only then, can we make an accurate plan to make life better. First, we'll survive, and then we'll thrive.