6 Things I Should Say When My Spouse Is Having A Bad Day
Thank you for listening to my venting session on Monday. Now back to what I was planning to talk about: What do our spouses actually need to hear on the bad days? Obviously, I can only speak from my personal experience, and my advice comes from the sample size of one husband, so I will share the things that help in my marriage. Maybe they'll help in yours, and maybe they won't. But as always, do what is right for you and your family. And if you aren't sure what that is, then talk about it. I know we hear it time and time again, but communication really is essential to the success of our relationships during times of separation. If we are prepared for what we need to say when the bad days come, then we can actually provide comfort rather than being caught off guard and responding in the wrong way.
1. I love you
First and foremost, a reminder of the good things. It doesn't matter how crappy the day has been. There is still a joy to be found in knowing and feeling loved. It may not, and probably won't, solve anything, but it is a start and will always be an excellent place to begin.
2. We are here for you
If we are lucky, then the separations aren't really separations because we get to follow our spouses and physically be with them on the bad days. But that doesn't always happen and can be very rare depending on our spouse's job. Across military service, the definition of a bad day can be wildly different, and a decent amount of that information about what made the day so bad could be classified. It's hard to comfort when we don't know specifics to acknowledge, but we can still share about the person we love and how we can support them even if we don't really know what is happening.
3. We will be here when you get home
This is the promise that we are all counting the days to keep. Our service members are counting down to coming home, and we are counting down to meeting them when they do. Being away from home means losing control of a lot of things. I know our service members are used to being out of control and hearing a plan change on the whim of someone very far away is something they are very used to adapting to. My husband certainly handles it better than I do. But that doesn't make it any easier to be away on an assignment without the comfort of their own bed to come home to. Whether there are significant cultural differences or small zip code changes, it can be hard to feel out of our element, especially when their go-to usual stress relievers aren't available. A promise of consistency when they return home, can help immensely. Knowing that even though everything changes, some things don't change.
4. Tomorrow will be better
We don't quit on a bad day. I know that logistically speaking, leaving isn't an option in the military unless you just so happen to be at the end of your contract on a bad day. But even if physically quitting isn't an option, they can emotionally or mentally quit by checking out entirely and disconnecting from their work. I know I've said it before, and I promise I will keep saying it, but a bad day does not mean that we made a bad choice. When our service members joined, they did it for a reason. And despite the fact that there have been and will be bad days, that reason still stands. Things may change one day, and the contract won't be resigned, but that doesn't mean that they didn't make the right choice in taking this path initially.
5. Go do something fun
I don't know if this is true in your marriage, but my husband is the saver and the introvert. It is easy for him to isolate himself during hard times because, usually, that is where he would find comfort. However, being alone and stewing in his thoughts isn't the best solution on the bad days. This is especially true because being alone at home while my son and I are still around the house means something entirely different from being alone in another city or country. So I always try to encourage him to go out with friends, go sightseeing somewhere, or treat himself to a souvenir. It doesn't always work, and sometimes the reason it's such a bad day is because of a slammed schedule with long working hours and short sleeping hours, but if the circumstances permit, I always recommend getting out, at least for a little bit to focus on something other than the tough time. It works for me when I struggle at home, and the same is true when my husband struggles while away.
6. Always and forever, no matter what
I end with a promise. Everything that I've said before is true, and it will remain true. I'll be waiting when you get home. Better days are ahead. And we'll make it up to you when this is all over. Then I kick my husband off the phone to go do something fun. But no matter what, I am going to be there. If that means I can physically be there, great. And if it doesn't, then I will do everything I can to help from afar.
Here's the thing, my husband doesn't need me to solve his problems. I can't change the workload. I can't change the stress. I can't change if someone was breathing down his neck at work, even if he was the wrong person for the job. I don't have the power to fix any of those problems. But I also know that a bad day does not make a bad life. There is so much about his job that my husband loves. We have met some fantastic people. He gets to do something that he feels makes a real difference in the world. And we get to see a lot of new places because of it (someone, please give us these PCS orders).
Sometimes he needs to be reminded of the good. Sometimes he needs me to agree that everything sucks right now. Sometimes we are both struggling and can only partially help one another while we push through the misery together. But regardless, we know the best ways to support our spouses. The bad days will always happen. We can't change that, and even if they were in a regular civilian job, they would still have bad days. But the good days will come again too. We just have to wait. Only you know how to comfort your spouse in those hard times. These are some things that I can say, and they may work for you, or they may not. Trust your gut when it comes to your spouse and your marriage because whatever helps them through a bad day is precisely what you should try to do.