I've recently learned about the concept of big T versus little t in terms of trauma. Big T trauma is often what we typically think of. It's usually a single incident that results in acute psychological trauma. Little t trauma tends to refer to events that typically don't involve violence or disaster but do create significant distress. Examples of big T trauma would be things like sexual violence, witnessing a death, or surviving a natural disaster. In contrast, examples of little t trauma would be more like emotional abuse, divorce, or non-life-threatening injuries.

I had a different post planned for today, but I just left the Macon-Bibb County

Commissioner's office crying, so let's talk about that instead. Now, I do have a lot on my plate,

so it is a lot easier to send me into tears at the moment. And crying is my response to just about

everything, so it's not that unusual to me.

Hopefully, you'll allow me just one more post about that monologue from The Blacklist. The final line Dembe says is actually a reference to a poem by Dylan Thomas titled "Do not go gentle into that good night."

I finally got around to seeing how The Blacklist ended. I watched seasons 1-9 during my first few weeks postpartum when all I could do was sit on the couch, feed my baby, and heal while binging TV. The show definitely loses its focus somewhere in the middle, but I felt like the final season was really well done. I do recommend ending the show for yourself about three minutes before it actually ends because that was not my favorite. Still, Dembe gets a lovely monologue just before that, which is what I wanted to share today.

Our nanny couldn’t come to work today because the battery in her car died. At least, she thinks it is the battery. She sent me a video of trying to start the car, and everything on the dashboard was flashing while the locks kept locking and unlocking around her. It felt more like her car had been possessed to me, but I don’t know anything about cars.

Last week, I had another surprising dream come true. Number 9 on my list of 12 dreams for this year was to have 500 readers on my blog in one month. On the third of every month I get a report from the team that designed and manages my website about how the previous month was.

Today, I made a brave first step. I applied to be a presenter at the 2024 Pillar Online Deployment Retreat. I have attended this retreat for the past few years. I think it is an incredible resource for those in a deployment, preparing for a deployment, or just getting over a deployment because we know there’s always another one coming. The coping skills and strategies that help us in a deployment also help us on the outside. They can help us in day-to-day life as well as through any PCSs or TDYs that come up.

Dreaming is a little bit like gambling. I love a good game of blackjack. I’m pretty lucky, and I’m not scared of spending money, which is also why I don’t go to casinos very often. But dreaming can give that same feeling. It’s looking at what could be, taking a pair of dice into our hands, and throwing them out hoping for the best (I know that’s more of a craps analogy than blackjack but I don’t really understand how craps works so I haven’t played it).

I've been watching the new season of Love is Blind, and it is fabulous. I am way behind on episodes because I've tried to be more conscious about my TV binge time. I just made it off the vacation episodes, and we are getting to see the couples in the real world now. This season is extra fun because I went to school near Charlotte, have family there, and am pretty familiar with the area overall. I was hopeful that I would know someone on the show or at least know someone who knows someone, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

When we were stationed at Tinker, there would be the opportunity to take photos in front of the AWACS (the plane my husband flew on) every few months. We never took advantage of this because my husband is not the biggest picture person, and honestly, we always found out so late that all the slots were booked up anyway. I know this is a pretty standard military practice, especially for those in the flying community.

One of the biggest aids to our consistency will be our ability to stay emotionally regulated throughout the process of chasing our dreams. We can’t let the highs get too high, or the lows get too low. I’ve seen this a lot from people in sales. They have one fantastic week where they can’t be told no, and now they want to run through the streets naked. Then they follow that up with a week where they couldn’t even close a door, let alone a sale, and they want to find the nearest cliff.

Today was the official restart day of my work in insurance. I called current clients today to schedule appointments for tomorrow and Wednesday. It was exciting. I had success. And the whole time, I had this nervous pit in my stomach. I knew that pit would come back, which is why I wrote myself that letter from a few weeks ago in the first place.

I will preach again and again about the power of making that list of 100 dreams. It forces us to dig deep for what we really want and accept the dreams we wouldn't normally add because we don't feel like they are "meaningful" enough to go on a list. It also keeps our eyes open to take advantage of a dream come true when the opportunity presents itself.

My husband's contract will be up in roughly three years. We signed an extension by accepting the Robins assignment. We didn't know that at the time, though, so heads up for anyone planning to get out and wanting to move. A PCS may extend the contract. We had two years left, so now we have three to finish this assignment. Turning down an assignment can be a career killer, but if you're already planning to get out at the end of your term, it probably doesn't matter as much.

When I did the series on supporting military families through a PCS, one of the points I made was to show up. This post may get a little more ranty than I usually do, but one of the biggest things we can do to support our military families is to show up for them. I am fresh off of a weekend of showing up for and being shown up for in military life. I don't know how many years officially make a tradition, but we are coming off of our third year of meeting my oldest friend and her husband somewhere roughly halfway between our two cities for President's Day weekend.

I may have gotten ahead of myself talking about staying on the line last Friday. I’ve been chasing this dream for a very long time and know many of the steps that will get me from point A to Z. I don’t know everything, and while I do know a lot about the general principles of publishing a book, I don’t know the specific details of how my dream will come true.

I keep forgetting that today is Valentine’s Day. We’ve never made that big of a deal out of it, and I’m not even sure we’ve done gifts aside from our first year together. My husband usually gets me something, but he doesn’t really like presents, so I typically take today off. Sometimes, we go out to dinner, but for the past few years, we’ve planned trips to see friends for President’s Day weekend, so that’s primarily been our celebration. Plus, now that we have a one-year-old, hiring a sitter to go out to dinner and a movie after work just doesn’t feel all that worth it.

I have discovered one of my favorite parts about being a military spouse: We get more “firsts” than the average person. There are the more obvious firsts, like that first kiss after a deployment, the first time living in a new state or country, and the first military ball (I still haven’t gotten this one). There are the not-so-fun firsts, like the first time we get stationed in the middle of nowhere, the first deployment, and the first time the stomach bug goes through the house during a TDY. But there’s also a lot of little first, which I want to talk about today.

It’s easy for me to lose focus. Between adding on a new “job,” my writing goals, blog growth plans, and living life with a one-year-old, it is easy to get off track. It’s a constant struggle for everyone, no matter how many directions they are being pulled in. Work, relationships, parenting, pet ownership, living life, and chasing our dreams all want a spot on our plate.

Sometimes, I get incredibly overwhelmed by the fragility of life. Maybe it’s a result of growing up religious, seeing too many good people die young, or being a military spouse. It’s probably a combination of everything. Living life and watching life happen to other people has made me so aware of how little time we have.